A few days back, I stumbled upon this interesting headline in the papers “SC: Scrabble is a game, not a puzzle”. Baffled and bemused in equal parts, I went on to read further and discovered that the Supreme Court judges had spent a good deal of time studying the history and development of Scrabble (and presumably also played a good deal of games) before concluding that Scrabble could not be classified as a puzzle and instead was a game. They went on to list differences between Scrabble and Crossword puzzles to prove beyond doubt that Scrabble was indeed a game. Now you might wonder “It’s been 25 years since the Bhopal Gas Tragedy and the perpetrators have still not been brought to justice, so what on Earth is the Supreme Court doing wasting precious time on the taxonomy of Scrabble?” But there you have it – being a Supreme Court judge does not simply involve wearing a funny wig and presiding over judgments that change the course of a nation – you also get to play a lot of Scrabble.
And then it dawned on me – there are a lot of people with important-sounding titles all over the place, who really don’t do anything much. Take, for example, the National Egg Coordination Committee. Now, I’m not saying they don’t do anything at all, and they must be quite busy putting out all those “Roz Khao Ande” ads; but I’m pretty sure the NECC employees don’t come home dead tired at 10 in the night saying “Honey, don’t disturb me today – I’ve been working really hard coordinating eggs all day.”
And I bet you didn’t know that the Indian Government has a Ministry for Non-Resident Indians as well as a Ministry for Overseas Indians! I suppose both the ministries are perpetually at loggerheads over what falls under their purview, which is probably the only way to keep them occupied. The second of these ministries was probably created just to stop some politician from defecting to a rival party, is what I would guess. Here are some of the more obscure government departments that you probably didn’t know your tax-money was supporting:
- National Centre for Jute Diversification
- Rashtriya Sanskrit Sansthan
- National Balbhavan
- National Centre for Promotion of Urdu Language
- National Remote Sensing Agency
- National Mission for Manuscripts
- National Frequency Allocation Planning Board
And this is not just limited to the government. Take scientific research, for example – sounds like a perfectly serious and responsible profession, doesn’t it? Yet every second day, solemn scientists with top degrees and impeccable credentials make the news for research that would not exactly make you go “Oh my god! Is that really so?” If you ever turn to that section of the newspapers that talk about the latest developments/findings on the health/lifestyle front, these are the kind of reports you’re likely to see:
Men Likely to Stare at Women in Skimpy Clothes
Researchers at the Department of Anthropology, University of Bath, England, have concluded that there is a 94.6% higher chance that men would stare at a woman dressed in skimpy attire as opposed to a woman wearing a brown paper bag over her head. This was the result of a research conducted across 12000 men all over the world over a five-year period. According to eminent anthropologist Dr Ludwig Van Ecclestone, who headed the research, “Men tend to suffer from what we in the research circles refer to as the ambulatory optic syndrome, something that lay men would call a roving eye. The minute a scantily-clad woman walks in to a room, most men’s eyes would immediately dart in her direction to catch a quick glimpse. This explains a lot and we hope this study contributes to a greater understanding of the cross-gender interaction in a socio-environmental context.”
Humans Need Privacy
In a groundbreaking research that was conducted across 25 different species that included humans, insects, birds, mammals, reptiles and Paris Hilton, it was discovered that humans needed privacy more than all other species, except bears during hibernation. “The human need for privacy is indeed a very strong one, which is why there are so many houses that have been built all over the world. Not just houses, our research has helped explain other phenomena of human civilization such as curtains, doors, and why Russell Crowe is regularly in the news for beating up a pesky paparazzi photographer”, says Dr Ricard Ecschnede, Director, Psychiatry Studies Wing, University of San Diego.
Three Bottles of Beer a Day is Good for Health
Well, its official – beer is good for your health. At least until the next such study is conducted. Researchers at the Oktoberfest University of Health Studies in Munich have concluded that having three bottles of beer after work every day generally keeps your bodily functions as well as mental faculties going and can lead to a longer life expectancy. This contradicts the earlier study that stated that consumption of beer was injurious to health, which itself was a direct contradiction of the previous study that said that beer had a lot of beneficial effects on the human health.
And I’m not kidding about any of all this – you might think that I made up all the stuff mentioned above, which may be partly true when it comes to the finer details, but the essence of it is pretty much the same. If you don’t believe me, I quote below the headlines from yesterday’s newspaper on the kind of research that’s been happening:
“US docs relocate fat to create bigger breasts”
“Tomato and potato plants are carnivores”
“All men watch harmless porn”
So remember – the next time you meet some official-looking person who hands you his business card and it says “Vice President, Documentation”, he could very well turn out to be the office photocopying boy! (as one of my professors at GIM had put it)
