To Do or Not To Do?

After the spectacular failure of condoms as contraceptives, the government has decided to opt for more drastic measures to confront one of the biggest challenges facing our country - overpopulation. Recently, Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad announced something along the lines of “The best way to control the population is by having a TV set in every house in every village. Witty and engaging late-night television programming is the only way to ensure that people do not spend all their free-time having sexual intercourse and procreating.”

Now, a lot of you might be wondering why condoms have ended up being such a spectacular failure, what with the government doing its utmost to promote their use – they created embarrassing ad campaigns and condom ringtones to generate awareness, they distributed condoms across the country, they enabled easy access to information about condoms, they installed vending machines at public places, they spread awareness of sexually transmitted diseases, they created catchy slogans for family planning, etc.

The problem is that people will not listen to anything that the government tells them to do. Most people will go to great lengths to do something that is dangerous and frowned upon by the authorities, but might not care much about it the minute it is approved and/or encouraged by the authorities. Take pornography and drugs, for example. Condoms probably had a perfectly decent shot at being a successful contraceptive until the government decided to step in and promote its use. Perhaps the best way to encourage people to use condoms would be to ban them.

This would result in a huge underground market for condoms, and people would go to great lengths to get hold of condoms. Youths across the country would be planning their Saturday-night escapades, “Let’s get really wild today – we’ll get pissed drunk, smoke up and then use condoms while having sex!” Condom dealers would replace drug dealers as the coolest people around town; although the downside would be that the condom mafia might pose all sorts or strange law and order problems – “Four Killed in Gang Warfare between Ribbed and Extra-Lubricated Condom Gangs” or “Textured Condoms Kingpin Arrested in Raid – Six Cartons of Dotted and Flavoured Condoms Seized”

But I guess the government had had enough of condoms, and decided that “If condoms have not succeeded as contraceptives, then by God we’ll find something that will!” As is usually the case with the government when choosing something, tenders were invited from various different pastimes/activities to pitch for the position of “Official Contraceptive of India”.

Predictably, the government was swamped with responses from all sorts of entities pitching themselves as the ideal fit for India’s next contraceptive - whether it was sports, television, movies, surgical procedures or Paris Hilton. Below is a sample of the responses that have been obtained from the inbox of the Ministry of Health:

From: Chocolate [mailto:chocolate@aphrodisiacs.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 11:21 AM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Pitch – Official Contraceptive for India

Dear Government

Since time immemorial, chocolate has been effectively utilized to enhance one’s appetite for sexual activities. Whether it was the Egyptian Civilization, the Indus Valley Civilization or the Flintstones, there is enough evidence to suggest that Chocolates have played a major role in boosting the sex-drives of humans throughout history. Even today, most cultures accept chocolate as one of the foremost aphrodisiacs...WAIT A SECOND!!! OH, SORRY...YOU’RE LOOKING FOR CONTRACEPTIVES! UMM...JUST IGNORE THIS MAIL. DELETE IT FROM YOUR INBOX. Sorry for the confusion, this is so embarrassing.

Warm Regards

Chocolate

From: Religion [mailto:religion@rubbishconcepts.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 12:35 PM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Pitch – Official Contraceptive for India

Dear Government

While it makes absolutely no sense for people to stop having sex, history has revealed that there is only one way to get people to do something that makes absolutely no sense – Religion.

Therefore, we believe that the answer to India’s new contraceptive can only be religion – we’ll tell people that it’s against their religion to have sex.

Thanks and regards

Religion

From: BCCI [mailto:BCCI@humoungousprofits.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 1:15 PM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Pitch – Official Contraceptive for India

Dear Government

Over the years, Cricket has emerged as India’s favourite pastime. The entire nation is hooked to cricket when the Indian team is playing – therefore we sincerely believe that the best way to stop people from having sex is to get the Indian team to play cricket every night.

Truly,

Board of Control for Cricket in India

PS – This has nothing to do with us wanting to make more money – do NOT listen to our detractors who’ll tell you that the BCCI is nothing but a greedy, money-spinning organization.

From: Work [mailto:work@takethefunoutoflife.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 2:08 PM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Pitch – Official Contraceptive for India

dear govt

spectacularly successful in a lot of countries across the world (refer attachment), longer and more stressful working hours have resulted in people having sex less frequently with their partners. plus it has the added advantage of raising the country’s national output – hence we believe that work is the most effective and safe form of contraception now that condoms have failed.

rgds

wrk

From: Banking Industry [mailto:banks@thedoldrums.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 4:45 PM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Pitch – Official Contraceptive for India

We don’t know how or what we’d do as contraceptives, BUT WE REALLY COULD USE THE BUSINESS, what with the recession and all.

From: Chocolate [mailto:chocolate@betterthansex.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 5:15 PM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Proposal – Official Contraceptive for India

Dear Government

Statistics reveal that sex is one of the most primal and pleasurable activities known to man. Now, a lot of people might suggest different ways to get people to stop having sex - sports, household chores, long hours in the office, joining the army, looking at nude pictures of Paris Hilton, etc. But I ask you this – are any of these MORE enjoyable than sex? The answer, dear government, is that they’re not.

So how do you get people to stop having sex then? Innumerable surveys have revealed that there is only one thing women enjoy more than sex – CHOCOLATES!

This is why you need look no further than Chocolates when looking for a new contraceptive.

Sincerely,

Chocolate

Just as the government was finalizing on Chocolates, along came the winning pitch, the one that instantly convinced the government on whom to go with for the “Official Contraceptive of India”:

From: Television [mailto:tv@thenextcondom.com]
Sent: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 6:12 PM
To: Ministry of Health [mailto:healthmin@indiangov.in]
Cc: Department of Population Control [mailto:contraceptives4u@indiangov.healthmin.in]
Subject: Pitch – Official Contraceptive for India

Dear Government

“I suppose all my competitors would be saying a lot of things and giving a lot of reasons as to why they should be made the next contraceptive. I just have this to say:

According to research conducted in Italy, people with TV in their homes had 40% lesser sex than those without TV in their homes. And this is ITALIAN WOMEN we’re talking about!!!”

Regards

TV

This Blog Can Change Your Life!

There are two kinds of books in this world (and I’m not talking about textbooks here): books that are interesting to read and don’t teach you anything, and books that try to try to teach you something and ought to be burnt. Business/management books happen to fall squarely in the second category, along with self-help books, motivational books and anything ever written by Deepak Chopra.

Business books first started when people (probably MBAs) with a lot of time on their hands decided that MBAs should not have so much free time on their hands. The truth is that MBAs hardly learn anything during their two-year course. If you don’t believe me, ask any MBA what they learnt in B-School, and they would look lost for a good few minutes before sheepishly telling you something vague about how being in a B-School changed their mindset and made them more confident even when they have no clue what they’re talking about. But no one would ever be able to tell you something specific that they learnt, like the Second Law of Thermodynamics. To plug this gap, B-School students were forced to read business books with the false claim that they contain learnings essential for any aspiring manager.

After having read precisely two business books, I am thoroughly convinced that the entire business book industry is a big hoax. The biggest problem with Business books is that...well, they don’t really deserve to be books. Most of these are books that can be summarised in ONE SENTENCE!

For instance, I happened to read one such business book, called “Who Moved My Cheese?” While the title may hint at a boring in-depth analysis of the dairy-farming industry, the book is actually an infinitely more boring allegorical tale about people needing to adapt to changing circumstances instead of moping about and clinging to the past. The author goes on and on rambling about how this one mouse went into a heightened state of depression when the cheese in his regular place went mysteriously missing and refused to go looking about for more cheese. The other mouse, on the other hand, goes looking for new cheese, all the while scribbling profound quotes on the wall on what he’s learnt for the day (don’t ask me why!):

“The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, The Sooner You Find New Cheese”, “Old Beliefs Do Not Lead You To New Cheese” and “Movement in a New Direction Helps You Find New Cheese”.

For a mouse hung up on change, it’s ironic that he doesn’t realize he's writing the exact same message over and over again in a slightly different way. Predictably, this mouse finally manages to get a new mountain of cheese after going through the usual series of struggles and hardships where he feels down and out and as if it’s a hopeless cause. The first mouse, equally predictably, finally dies of hunger, or realises the error of his ways...I cannot exactly remember. But the underlying point of the book is that if you don’t adapt to change, you starve.

Now, I’m not suggesting that no-one ever learnt anything from the book. I’m sure there are a large number of people whose lives changed dramatically after reading this book and who went on to have super-successful careers attending meetings and pocketing bonuses. All I’m saying is that, like cigarette packs, there should at least be some sort of a warning or disclaimer to alert one that this book could be a monumental waste of time for anyone whose intellectual depth exceeds that of an earthworm. The publishers and the author should come right out and state that:

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU’RE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO FEELS THAT READING ABOUT THE SAME IDEA FOR ABOUT A HUNDRED-ODD PAGES NARRATED TO YOU IN A VERY CHILDLIKE AND SIMPLE MANNER WOULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE DRAMATICALLY THEN GO AHEAD AND READ THIS BOOK. ELSE THE MESSAGE BELOW WILL SUFFICE.

“Dear Reader

When stuff around you changes, you need to adapt to succeed; otherwise you’ll be left behind while others rake in the dough.

Come to think of it, Darwin had said something along these lines when he talked about Survival of the Fittest, so this isn’t even anything new. I don’t even know why I’m writing a whole book on this. Forget I ever brought it up.

Regards

Dr. Spencer Johnson, MD”

Or take the other business book that I’d been forced to read, Execution: the Discipline of Getting Things Done. Written by a big-time former-CEO chap called Larry Bossidy, he painstakingly rambles on for three-hundred odd pages about the same idea, filling the book up with examples of his visits to various offices and plants and using top-management-y sounding words like paradigm, adaptability, actionable, incentivize, leverage, etc.

It would’ve saved everyone so much time and effort if the publishers had just stated upfront:

DISCLAIMER: THIS BOOK CONTAINS AN ENDLESS REPETITION OF ONE CENTRAL IDEA SIMPLY BECAUSE BIG-TIME CEO LARRY BOSSIDY HAS NOW RETIRED AND IS NO LONGER DRAWING THAT SIX-FIGURE SALARY SO HE THOUGHT WRITING THIS BOOK WOULD HELP GET HIM ONE LAST BIG PAYCHECK. IF YOU’RE THE TYPE TO LAP UP ANYTHING EVER TOLD BY A BIG-TIME CEO AND BE INSPIRED BY IT THEN BY ALL MEANS PURCHASE THIS BOOK. ELSE THE MESSAGE BELOW SHOULD SUFFICE.

“Dear Reader

Even though I’m a big-time business leader who spends all his time jet-setting to far-flung plants and attending strategic meetings, all that amounts to nothing unless you see to it that the plans you make are implemented.

Many of you might think that’s a pretty obvious thing to say, but I’m a big-time CEO and have a lot of real-life examples to prove my point, so I thought I’d write an entire book on this.

Sincerely,

Larry Bossidy”

For some of these books, the title itself gives away the fact that it does not deserve to be a book. Take “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” – you would think it should’ve just been one paragraph with seven bullet points; yet the author manages to stretch it to an entire book! As if that wasn’t enough, the sequel to that book (The Eighth Habit of Highly Successful People) talks about only ONE habit! Although I haven’t read the book, I’m willing to bet that the eighth habit would be something that Stephen Covey learnt after his previous book:

Habit # 8 – “Write a self-help book with a simple yet purposeful/life-changing-sounding title such as ‘Seven Habits...’, ‘You Can Win’, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, etc”!

Doesn't Quite Ad Up, Does it?

It’s a strange sort of effect that advertisements can have on you: you either feel that you don’t belong to this planet, or that the people who create the ads are from another planet. Take, for example, the latest ad campaign from Idea Cellular, “Walk and Talk”. A lot of people walk while they’re talking on their phones, but I think just about everyone would agree that they don’t see this as the route to a healthy lifestyle. I mean, you’d definitely never come across a conversation such as this on planet earth:

You: Good Lord, look at you! I would never have recognized you! You looked like a blue whale the last time we met; your physique stretched across time-zones! And now you’re thinner than graph paper! Wow – whatever happened? Did you stop eating altogether? Underwent a gruelling weight-loss regime? Were you run over by a road-roller?

Ex Blue-Whale Lookalike: Nonsense, nothing of that sort. I just spoke a lot on my cell phone – it’s the Idea network, you see!

Or if you take a look at any of the hair gel ads, you might wonder why anyone really needs an ad agency – all you need to do is just get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head. Well, to be honest, this is exactly what an ad agency does, but only in case the ad budget is really low. If the ad budget is higher, then the ad agency is automatically expected to do something extra. So the ad agency scouts around all over the world, finds a suitably exotic foreign location, and then gets hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head.

Now a lot of ad agency professionals might object to the previous paragraph as demeaning to their profession, and I have to agree that they’re absolutely correct. Not all ad agencies blindly get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head. Many of them undertake a thorough branding exercise where they study the market and the consumers, define the target audience, create a differentiated brand proposition for the product, test these propositions with the consumers, and THEN get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head. In addition, many of them get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies deodorant, and create a deo ad out of it. Or they get hold of a hot girl and a guy who rides a bike and create a bike ad out of it. The point I’m trying to make is that a lot of thought has clearly gone into it, and we should not be dismissive of such advertisements.

What would be interesting, though, is if there were ads for concepts or ideas instead of products and companies. This is what some of them could be like:

So what is the toughest thing to do on Earth? Understand women? Achieve world peace? Score lower than Paris Hilton on an IQ test? Resolve the Kashmir dispute? Sure, all of these are incredibly tough things to do...but for the man who wants a real challenge, for the man who wishes to push himself beyond all limits of human endurance, there is only one answer – Differential Calculus! Created by the all-time great, legendary mathematician Sir Isaac Newton, Differential Calculus is a technique using which you can solve complex mathematical equations by making it even more complex and incomprehensible! Some of you might think that Differential Calculus is not exactly your cup of tea, but as any marketing guru will tell you these days: Differentiate or die! DIFFERENTIAL CALCULUS: DIFFERENTIATE OR DIE!

Which particle do you think plays the most important role in nuclear reactions? Which particle do you think generates radioactive isotopes useful for a variety of purposes? Yes, we’re sure you would’ve guessed protons or electrons. After all, they’re the ones with all the charge; they’re the ones who get all the attention. But you’re wrong!!! The answer, dear reader, is NEUTRONS! So we’re not positively charged! Neither are we negatively charged! Big Deal! Goddamnit, there’s nothing wrong in being neutral. Neutrons today are being used in a wide variety of applications and research on neutrons is throwing up new uses every single day. Neutrons are the only particle to have a star named after them. So they next time you disparagingly dismiss neutrons as being fence-sitters, think again! NEUTRONS: PROUD TO BE NEUTRAL

Jargon™ Inc Blue-sky thinking, touch base, going forward, take this discussion offline, EOD, FYI, PFA, synergy, alignment, paradigm shift, etc. How many times have you heard management-types use these words? Indeed, Jargon has successfully established itself as the preferred language of the corporate world. The greater your command over this language, the higher you’re bound to climb up the corporate ladder! Jargon™ Inc presents to you its new Crash Courses in Jargon™. In two weeks time, we’ll teach you to talk the corporate talk. Accidents shall turn into unintentional vehicular impacts, problems shall turn into challenging assignments, car owners shall turn into vehicularly empowered people and plain old you shall turn into corporate-ready you! Join now, and avail of our special introductory offer of a free Jargon™ Handbook!

PUBLIC NOTICE ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST BY THE GOVT OF INDIA Dear Citizens This is your government speaking. Since independence, we have consistently been against alcohol and have insisted that it is bad for you. However, recent surveys indicate that alcohol, when consumed in moderation, actually reduces the risk of heart failure and prolongs your life span. Apparently, wine also contains antioxidants, which is one of the things that are damn good for your health these days. To be very honest, we are very confused now and do not really know what stand to take regarding alcohol. In the meantime, we guess it’s perfectly fine if you’re drinking. Apologies for the last 60-odd years. Sincerely, Government

The last ad is one that I’d really love to see some day, but I guess the chances of that happening are about as high as Paris Hilton’s IQ. Finally, I’d like to propose a tagline for religion, which would ensure that, like movies and video games, religion is also among the list of activities considered harmful for impressionable young minds (although it's probably far more harmful, in my opinion):

Religion: Full of sects and violence!

The Art of Self-Defence

When we’re children, adults often fool us into doing things that are allegedly good for us and therefore we ought to do, like studying Geography. However, even as a child, I was not foolish enough to believe that karate was helpful for self-defence purposes. For some reason, though, most of the others seemed to believe this. One moment, karate was just this fighting style that you saw in obscure Chinese movies, the next moment every school and neighbourhood seemed to have karate classes for kids. One minute the neighbourhood parks were filled with kids playing cricket, the next minute the parks were filled with the same kids attending karate classes. Even in schools, instead of spending valuable time playing football or doing nothing, kids were forced into white gowns and colourful belts, made to squat in absurd positions and move their hands and feet while yelling all the time.

As a kid, it all just looked like too much effort for too little reward, but now that I think about it, the whole karate craze seems all the more ridiculous. I mean, think about it – have you EVER seen ANYBODY using karate for self-defence? The truth is that nobody uses karate, unless you’re in a Chinese movie. The way everybody seemed to be taking up karate at that stage, it seemed like there would be a new karate generation in the country. One would’ve thought that by the time we all grew up, people on the road would be engaging in karate fights whenever there was a scuffle due to a road accident.

Yet, as kids, karate was extolled to us as an excellent method for self-defence. The final outcome of a karate training course, however, was not kids who could defend themselves; rather they were kids who could put up an incredibly boring show to an equally disinterested audience consisting mostly of parents. The highlight of the show would be kids breaking wooden boards with their hands, or if they were really good, breaking bricks with their heads.

Think about it. As someone who’s pondering the merits of taking up karate, how would this sound for a conversation you have with a martial arts instructor:

You: So how exactly would this training help me?

Instructor: Well, you’d be able to break wooden boards or tiles with your own hands. Or if you’re really good, you could break bricks with your hands or even your head.

You: And that would help me because...?

Instructor: Ahhh...ummm...well, we’d also give you a succession of coloured belts to keep you motivated.

You: Really? Why didn’t you just say so earlier? Sign me up, I’m in!

Perhaps the only thing that karate is really useful for is the movies. If you ask the Chinese about kung-fu or karate, they would tell you that these are ancient Chinese martial arts techniques that require years of rigorous practice after which you can make terrible movies using only your hands and feet along with a lot of wooden furniture. For some reason most of these movies tend to have the word ‘Dragon’ as part of the name - such as Enter the Dragon, Curse of the Dragon, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, etc. This is how these movies are generally made:

• The hero goes to some martial arts training school that is located on top of a forbidden-looking mountain, far far away from civilization. The school can only be reached by foot and even reaching there generally requires a level of effort comparable to Magellan circumnavigating the Earth.
• On the first day, the hero, who is no slouch when it comes to martial arts and is pretty much the best exponent of it in his part of town, is utterly humiliated by the old master in a one-sided fight scene. The old master has a very long moustache and at some point in the past was the greatest warrior to have lived and had a ridiculous title such as The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire. The hero realises that he has a lot to learn.
• For 5-odd years, the hero undergoes a gruelling training where he is made to eat terrible food, sleep on cold stone floors and wear terrible clothes, mostly just a plain gown.
• Then one fine day the hero is suddenly attacked by 4-5 excellent fighters. A long martial-art fight sequence ensues, filled with gravity-defying stunts and a lot of wooden furniture being broken. A bit like the Matrix, the assailants keep getting knocked down and you’d think they were dead, but they bounce back and keep the fight going on for long. However, the hero has now honed his fighting skills and finally is able to vanquish his assailants.
• At this point The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire appears out of the shadows and solemnly proclaims. “You have learnt well, Master X. After years and years of training, you are now ready to go out into the world and make some of the most terrible movies in the world using only your hands, feet and immense powers of concentration.”

(Note: This is a far cheaper approach than Hollywood, where they use a lot of expensive cars, explosives and Arnold Schwarzenegger to make some of the most terrible movies in the world).

I think most kids realised what a monumental waste of time karate had been by the time they grew into their teens. Which is when they decided to spend their valuable time playing pool instead; another craze that totally bypassed me for some reason – but I shall leave that topic for another day...