iSpy

For a long time, cyber-crime seemed like one of those harmless things that would only affect someone with the IQ of a plank of wood. Sure, someone somewhere in this world was diligently cooking up an elaborate new scheme to make you part with your money every week, but it essentially served the purpose of filler entertainment on slow work days. A doctor in the UK was looking for a “reliable and trustworthy” partner for an exciting new business opportunity and had magically narrowed down on you, you’d just won the Coca Cola lottery and were entitled to half a million dollars, a Nigerian prince wished to donate all his property to you and the Income Tax Department wished to refund you an amount greater than what you’d ever earned, out of the goodness of their hearts. You’d have to be a really gullible sort to fall for any of that – the sort who’d accept life-affirming advice dispensed by a suicide bomber, or be willing to pay Sreesanth to bowl badly when he would have done that anyway. It’s not something perfectly reasonable that you’d believe right away – like someone telling you about an omnipotent bearded fellow in the sky who controls everything that happens in this world.

This was, of course, until the Chinese came along. Suddenly, the Chinese weren’t just making bad products that you’d buy cheap but still regret when you realized it stopped working after the first week. The Chinese could now hack into your country’s central defence systems and scrawl upon the Ministry of Defence website “China wuz here” or “You no leave Arunachal? We attack! Last warning.” Cyber crime suddenly seemed to be the warfare of choice among the leading countries now that everyone had a nuclear bomb and could not physically attack each other. It turned out that China had trained thousands of hackers who’d sit all day and hack into their enemies’ defence secrets while watching YouTube videos of a tap-dancing cat wearing a bowler hat – and this was how wars would now be fought in the future.

Just as Barack Obama was getting ready with the final draft of his note “Rip into the Chinese PM and tear him to shreds over this whole cyber crime thing”, the NSA revelations came to light. Obama would’ve dejectedly recalled the famous quote cautioning people against enumerating their poultry before the onset of the hatching process, while China, which had so far been reduced to playing the meek Clarke Kent role, had now got its telephone booth. It turned out that the US had been cyber spying on the world all along, and here was conclusive proof that it had engaged in all the dirty, despicable, malicious, loathsome, repulsive, malevolent, depraved, nefarious, sordid, vile, low-life, reprehensible cyber stuff it was accusing China of, plus some more! It’s a bit like getting scared about being caught while stealing from the cookie jar, only for it to turn out that the person catching you was actually stealing the entire jar!

As is usually the case when something big happens with the USA, questions about US dominance were being raised. Would American hegemony & preeminence in world affairs finally come to an end? Had the US taken one step too far even for them to get away with it? Was the US finally a victim of its own hubris? Was this the beginning of the end for the greatest country in the world? Tune in at the same time next week to find out what REALLY happens. A lot of commentators felt that this might be the case, and came up with a number of well-reasoned arguments to bolster the case.

There was, however, one crucial thing that they missed out on. It seems that the US cyber spying included all mails, phone calls, text messages, Skype calls, Apple/Google data and Facebook, among others.

Facebook!

Think about it – as a citizen, even if I were to accept my government’s argument that all this spying was of utmost necessity to keep me safe, I’d still be mighty pissed if my tax money were being utilized to spy on people through Facebook. Facebook intelligence sounds like an oxymoronic term – after five years on Facebook I’ve yet to come across any information that comes close to qualifying as ‘intelligence’! I can understand that maybe they’d glean some important information through emails or phone calls – but Facebook? It’s not like you’d accidentally stumble upon a post on Osama’s wall that says:

“Ayman al Zawahiri has invited you to the event: Serial Blasts in Tokyo.

Date: 13^th June 2013. Time: 12:30 p.m. Venue: In & Around Tokyo Tower, Tokyo.

RSVP – Yes, I will attend; Maybe; Sorry, can’t make it”

Mullah Omar – Osama, costs are going up, we need to downsize. Organize suicide missions ASAP to trim workforce by 10%.

Osama’s Status: New Jihadist track is totally inspiring. All set for my next big plan to teach the infidels a lesson – storm the Engineering college in Bristol!

[Ayman al Zawahiri, Ahmed Awlaki, Hafeez Saeed, Mohammed Atta and 133,654 others like this]

The weekly status meetings must be pretty depressing for the spy in charge of Facebook spying. Every Monday morning, when the NSA is taking stock of the situation, he’d probably be wishing for some terrorists to storm the building and take everyone hostage instead of being subject to this weekly ritual of humiliation.

NSA Chief: All right folks, what have y’all got for me this week?

E-Mail Spy: We have credible intelligence that a hostage attack is being planned in the heart of Rome.

Phone Calls Spy: There is reason to believe that a plane flying from a Texas airport could be hijacked in the next 2 weeks.

Text Messages Spy: We need to intercept an arms shipment that could be used for a terror attack – they’re likely to try and ship it in off the coast of Southern Florida.

Facebook Spy: Alice got wasted at the last party and kissed Doug. Josh went to Mexico for his holidays. Fallon put up pictures of his cat playing the piano.

Another fallout of this whole saga is that those looking at spying as an exciting, glamorous and jet setting career opportunity would need to do a bit of a rethink. The NSA activities should now replace James Bond movies as the point of reference for the life of a spy. Or, the James Bond movies could change to reflect the new age, sinister-but-boring reality of a spy’s life.

M: James, the terrorists have stolen the codes to detonate a nuclear device that could destroy the world. Our sources tell us that they’re currently on a train from Cairo to Alexandria.

James: Don’t worry, M – I’m on it. I’ll get into a helicopter and then climb down from the helicopter into that train and have an elaborate chase sequence after which I’ll jump off at the station and run after them through a crowded, exotic marketplace and then they’ll get into a taxi and a car will appear for me and there’ll be a long car chase ending in a crash after which I’ll again chase them on foot while showing off my parkour skills jumping from one building to another and then…

M: You’ll do none of that, James. What is this, 1980?

James (taken aback): Then what do you want me to do, M?

M: Nothing. You’ll log in to Facebook and click “Like” on the terrorist’s new status message. Then you keep your eyes on his Facebook page at all times. Inform me the minute there’s an update.

Ok. Maybe writing scripts for James Bond movies isn’t my thing. But one cant help shake off the feeling that you can’t be productive if you’re on Facebook all the time – even if it’s massive, global-scale spying that you’re doing. And if that’s what the US spying machinery shall be devoted to, the future indeed doesn't look very promising for American hegemony in world affairs.