Doesn't Quite Ad Up, Does it?

It’s a strange sort of effect that advertisements can have on you: you either feel that you don’t belong to this planet, or that the people who create the ads are from another planet. Take, for example, the latest ad campaign from Idea Cellular, “Walk and Talk”. A lot of people walk while they’re talking on their phones, but I think just about everyone would agree that they don’t see this as the route to a healthy lifestyle. I mean, you’d definitely never come across a conversation such as this on planet earth:

You: Good Lord, look at you! I would never have recognized you! You looked like a blue whale the last time we met; your physique stretched across time-zones! And now you’re thinner than graph paper! Wow – whatever happened? Did you stop eating altogether? Underwent a gruelling weight-loss regime? Were you run over by a road-roller?

Ex Blue-Whale Lookalike: Nonsense, nothing of that sort. I just spoke a lot on my cell phone – it’s the Idea network, you see!

Or if you take a look at any of the hair gel ads, you might wonder why anyone really needs an ad agency – all you need to do is just get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head. Well, to be honest, this is exactly what an ad agency does, but only in case the ad budget is really low. If the ad budget is higher, then the ad agency is automatically expected to do something extra. So the ad agency scouts around all over the world, finds a suitably exotic foreign location, and then gets hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head.

Now a lot of ad agency professionals might object to the previous paragraph as demeaning to their profession, and I have to agree that they’re absolutely correct. Not all ad agencies blindly get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head. Many of them undertake a thorough branding exercise where they study the market and the consumers, define the target audience, create a differentiated brand proposition for the product, test these propositions with the consumers, and THEN get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies so much gel that it looks like he has a wet porcupine on his head. In addition, many of them get hold of a hot girl and a guy who applies deodorant, and create a deo ad out of it. Or they get hold of a hot girl and a guy who rides a bike and create a bike ad out of it. The point I’m trying to make is that a lot of thought has clearly gone into it, and we should not be dismissive of such advertisements.

What would be interesting, though, is if there were ads for concepts or ideas instead of products and companies. This is what some of them could be like:

So what is the toughest thing to do on Earth? Understand women? Achieve world peace? Score lower than Paris Hilton on an IQ test? Resolve the Kashmir dispute? Sure, all of these are incredibly tough things to do...but for the man who wants a real challenge, for the man who wishes to push himself beyond all limits of human endurance, there is only one answer – Differential Calculus! Created by the all-time great, legendary mathematician Sir Isaac Newton, Differential Calculus is a technique using which you can solve complex mathematical equations by making it even more complex and incomprehensible! Some of you might think that Differential Calculus is not exactly your cup of tea, but as any marketing guru will tell you these days: Differentiate or die! DIFFERENTIAL CALCULUS: DIFFERENTIATE OR DIE!

Which particle do you think plays the most important role in nuclear reactions? Which particle do you think generates radioactive isotopes useful for a variety of purposes? Yes, we’re sure you would’ve guessed protons or electrons. After all, they’re the ones with all the charge; they’re the ones who get all the attention. But you’re wrong!!! The answer, dear reader, is NEUTRONS! So we’re not positively charged! Neither are we negatively charged! Big Deal! Goddamnit, there’s nothing wrong in being neutral. Neutrons today are being used in a wide variety of applications and research on neutrons is throwing up new uses every single day. Neutrons are the only particle to have a star named after them. So they next time you disparagingly dismiss neutrons as being fence-sitters, think again! NEUTRONS: PROUD TO BE NEUTRAL

Jargon™ Inc Blue-sky thinking, touch base, going forward, take this discussion offline, EOD, FYI, PFA, synergy, alignment, paradigm shift, etc. How many times have you heard management-types use these words? Indeed, Jargon has successfully established itself as the preferred language of the corporate world. The greater your command over this language, the higher you’re bound to climb up the corporate ladder! Jargon™ Inc presents to you its new Crash Courses in Jargon™. In two weeks time, we’ll teach you to talk the corporate talk. Accidents shall turn into unintentional vehicular impacts, problems shall turn into challenging assignments, car owners shall turn into vehicularly empowered people and plain old you shall turn into corporate-ready you! Join now, and avail of our special introductory offer of a free Jargon™ Handbook!

PUBLIC NOTICE ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST BY THE GOVT OF INDIA Dear Citizens This is your government speaking. Since independence, we have consistently been against alcohol and have insisted that it is bad for you. However, recent surveys indicate that alcohol, when consumed in moderation, actually reduces the risk of heart failure and prolongs your life span. Apparently, wine also contains antioxidants, which is one of the things that are damn good for your health these days. To be very honest, we are very confused now and do not really know what stand to take regarding alcohol. In the meantime, we guess it’s perfectly fine if you’re drinking. Apologies for the last 60-odd years. Sincerely, Government

The last ad is one that I’d really love to see some day, but I guess the chances of that happening are about as high as Paris Hilton’s IQ. Finally, I’d like to propose a tagline for religion, which would ensure that, like movies and video games, religion is also among the list of activities considered harmful for impressionable young minds (although it's probably far more harmful, in my opinion):

Religion: Full of sects and violence!