Object Surrender

Whatever happened to those Russian children's books?

Those who grew up after liberalization may not know this, but there was a time when, geopolitically speaking, India got into bed with Russia and, if not go all the way, at least engaged in considerable hanky-panky with them. Officially we may have been these fence sitters who were part of the Non-Aligned Movement, but there was a lot of Russian action we were getting on the side. It all started with Nehru and his fascination for Socialism. The Russians were only too happy to capitalize on this and over the next few decades, they enthusiastically palmed off flawed economic models, pointless 5 year plans, dodgy defence equipment, inefficient heavy machinery and some drop-dead gorgeous children’s books.

In many ways, the Russian books created a sort of alternate, more chaotic and less linear world compared to the one populated by Enid Blyton. While Enid Blyton books were warm summer days, golden sunshine and picnics by the beach, the Russian books were bleak grey skies, endless wilderness and shadowy, mysterious forests. While Enid Blyton books were neat sandwiches, lovingly wrapped tuck hampers, scones and treacle (now that I’m grown up, I know what scones are, but am still mystified as to what on earth treacle actually is), I can’t remember anyone ever eating anything in the Russian books. While Enid Blyton books followed reason, had lessons learnt and comeuppances delivered, the Russian books were arbitrary, random and chaotic, a bit like life itself. Oh, and those illustrations. While the Enid Blyton illustrations were direct and almost textbook like in their simplicity, the Russian illustrations were breathtaking, surreal and seething with an underlying manic energy that jumped right at you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Enid Blyton books and feel they should be made mandatory reading for kids today – but the Russian books appealed to a different part of the imagination. The Enid Blyton books were like the early Beatles, before they turned to drugs and went all counter-culture – clean-cut, fresh-faced, short haired and full of that cheerful, good-natured optimism that envelops you in a warm embrace with its catchy infectiousness. The Russian books, on the other hand, were like the Stones – longhaired, bedraggled and messy, cigarette dangling from one mouth while coolly gazing into the middle distance, enticing you with the mysterious allure of the forbidden.

Along with the Berlin Wall, the end of the Cold War sadly also heralded the disappearance of all those Russian children’s books. While the truth of life is that objects keep disappearing – there is also a way to acquaint yourself with you a whole new world of objects. The catch is that it involves getting married, which may be a deterrent to a lot of people. Like with any other major life event, there are a lot of changes that marriage brings about to one’s life. And most of these are ones that you’re prepared for since you hear about them all the time – either through the movies, friends, families, helpful advisors, unsolicited advisors and other media. What you’re not prepared for, though, is a whole lot of objects suddenly coming into your life that you didn’t even know existed. Or even if you knew of their existence, you never really saw much point to them back in your bachelor days. Here, then, are just a few of them, in no particular order:

Reed Diffuser & Other Aromatic Thingeys

As a bachelor, it never struck me that a house needed to smell good. I mean, sure, you wouldn’t want it to smell like a pigsty, but as long as you were fundamentally hygienic there was never any threat of that happening. Now, if you hadn’t washed clothes in a month or were hiding a dead body it was a different matter, but my bachelor days weren’t that messy or adventurous. Marriage, though, has introduced me to a whole range of products that make the house smell good, for no discernible purpose. Reed diffusers, aromatic candles and tins containing delicately perfumed gelatinous blobs sprout up in hidden corners of the house, wafting subtle fragrances of lemongrass, patchouli and other exotic ingredients I hadn’t heard of.

Bedcovers

When a bed sheet got dirty, you just washed it in the laundry and put it back. Now, there is another bed sheet on top of the current bed sheet to keep it from getting dirty. This is called a bed cover. Theoretically, you could have another bed cover to keep the original bed cover from getting dirty and this could go on in an endless loop, but thankfully it stops at the bed cover.

Cushions & Cushion Covers

After religion & patriotism, cushions & cushion covers are among the biggest scams perpetrated on mankind. Of course, I exaggerate – cushions never killed anyone. Much like communism, though, cushions sound like a great idea on paper. “Sofa not comfortable enough? Add some cushions and sink in!” In practice, the cushions lounge about idly on the sofa, looking pretty and decorative, but the minute someone actually uses the sofa; they’ll toss the cushion to the other side.

Cutlery & Crockery

Of course, I’m not suggesting that I didn’t use cutlery & crockery before I got married. The difference, though, was the attitude towards them. Before marriage, it was functional and utilitarian – something you needed to eat your food with. After marriage, it’s a work of art, something to be drooled over, hankered for, sought after, admired and cherished. Also, it’s no longer just plates and spoons and forks – it’s tea sets, dinner sets, soup sets, starter sets, serving platters, serving trays, serving spoons, assorted bowls and ceramic whatnots.

I could go on with the list, but an instinct for self-preservation and domestic harmony means that I shall stop now.