Faster, Higher, Stranger

There’s something about the Olympics. For two weeks, you’re glued to your TV screen watching countries you haven’t even heard of participate in sports you barely even know about, with a sense of rapt fascination and keen anticipation. In an era when there’s such an overdose of sports that I barely even watch cricket matches involving India, I find myself cheering madly for an obscure Greco-Roman wrestler from Guinea Bissau because, well…you want something good to happen to Guinea Bissau because it sounds like one of those Sub-Saharan mosquito-infested countries that is always on the brink of civil war with a corrupt dictator on one side and ruthless tribal warlords on the other, the sort of country that has been neglected ever since the Cold War ended and the US was no longer worried that it might be taken over by the Communists. It’s a strange paradox, the Olympics – filled with sports that no one would ever watch individually, but put it all together and package it as this global competition that only happens once in four years, and suddenly everyone is hooked to it.

Officially, the Olympics is the world’s biggest sporting extravaganza that celebrates the triumph of the human spirit as manifested in awe-inspiring feats of sporting excellence. Sure, it’s a bloated, corporatised and elaborately expensive way of celebrating the human spirit, but still. For India, though, the Olympics is the world’s biggest sporting extravaganza that proves that no matter how far we have progressed in other spheres such as science, politics and economics, we’re still utterly shit at sports. As a forlorn sense of déjà vu engulfs the nation amidst the usual gloomy stories of tragic neglect of (non-cricket) sports and widespread corruption in sports administration that are held responsible for this quadrennial display of abject failure, there are still a lot of things to look forward to at each Olympics.

New Countries

The Olympics is a good way to bring you up to date on new countries that have been formed while you weren’t paying attention. Whether it’s through violent civil wars, long-drawn out secessionist movements or sheer boredom, new countries are being added to the world all the time. The Olympics is a good time to catch up on some of these – did you know that Sudan has now split into two countries – Sudan and South Sudan? And that there’s a country called Timor-Leste, tucked away in a tiny corner off a tiny island in Indonesia? Or that there is a country called Cook Islands, a group of tiny pacific islands in the middle of nowhere, whose parliament building is an old hotel and whose defence is handled by New Zealand?

Obscure Sports That Come Along Once In Four Years

Ordinarily, your sporting world is populated by sports such as cricket, football, tennis, hockey, Golf, Formula 1 and, at a stretch, athletics. Or if you were staying in America, you’d have your own parallel sporting universe populated by football (American football though, and not what’s seen as football by the rest of the world), ice hockey, baseball and basketball. Every four years, though, you realize that there are a whole lot of other sports such as judo, archery, kayaking, synchronized swimming, handball and a variety of equestrian events which only seem to come up each time the Olympics are round the corner. While I’m sure that there are other competitions keeping participants of such sports gainfully occupied for the remaining four years, it really feels like they all stay hidden under a rock for four years, come out each time the Olympics is round the corner, and go back to their respective rocks once the Olympics are over, gleefully clutching their medals or bitterly nursing their disappointment, as the case may be.

New Sports That You Thought Were Not Really Sports

The Olympics is also a time when you encounter baffling new sports that you weren’t even aware of, and aren’t sure if they ought to qualify as a ‘sport’ in the first place. Now, many of you might be aware that cricket has been trying to get itself into the Olympics, and unsuccessfully at that, for quite a long time. A lot of you might think this is fair enough since there are only about 8-9 countries that seriously play cricket. Sure, countries like UAE, Hong Kong and even the far-flung Papua New Guinea have cricket teams, but these are the sort of teams that you feel were formed by a group of South Asian expats with nothing much to do in their spare time, so it shouldn’t count. The kind of team where, if you moved to that country and so much as picked a cricket bat, you’d be invited to join their national team. But did you know that Trampoline is actually an Olympic sport? Yes, something that kids jump up and down on during birthday parties on American TV shows is now an Olympic sport, but cricket and rugby are not. In the past, the Olympics has had such obscure sports like Basque Pelota, Jeu de paume and Croque monsieur on its roster. Well, all right…not Croque monsieur – that’s actually a French dish involving ham, cheese and bread, but I bet you wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t clarified it. So, while cricket is unlikely to make it to the Olympics, it’s quite likely that Thumb Wrestling might!

The Chinese Are Taking Over

Cyber warfare, human rights abuse and electronic goods are not the only fields where the Chinese are taking over – the Chinese are all over the Olympics. And it’s not just for China – Chinese athletes who don’t make it to their national teams are joining other countries just to play in the Olympics – so you have Portuguese table tennis players, Uzbek weight lifters and Armenian badminton players that are all actually Chinese, winning medals on behalf of their adopted countries.

Ok, so I’m not sure if that last point is something to look forward to. On the bright side, though, even strife-torn Kosovo, a country that broke away from a country that broke away from a country; a country that has only been in the news for ethnic cleansing all these years, has already gone and won an Olympic gold. The bad news, though, is that this probably means we can add Kosovo to the list of countries that will beat India at the medals tally. Back when I was growing up, there were a lot of kids learning judo, karate and taekwondo – I’d thought we’d at least be winning medals in these by the time I grew up. Sadly, it turned out it was only good for breaking wooden boards and wearing coloured belts.