The Days of Being Civil

A few weeks ago, the IAS results were announced with great fanfare across newspapers in India. To be honest, I was a little surprised that it still made for front-page news given the number of career options that are there these days. It’s not like design school or hotel management results ever make it to the newspapers, so why the IAS? Perhaps it was one of those slow news days when no politician said anything embarrassing or outrageous, and there wasn’t any scam, scandal or disaster that was otherwise keeping the nation preoccupied and driving everyone into a state of outrage. It did, however, take me back to the time when, as a child, I wanted to be an IAS Officer. This doesn’t mean anything much because at various stages in my childhood I’d also wanted to be a zookeeper, a detective, a pilot, a librarian, a teacher, a sports journalist, a basketball player, a doctor, a shopkeeper and perhaps a dozen other professions that I simply cannot remember now. So it’s not like I suddenly felt that my life was a series of abject failures littered by crushed hopes, bitter disappointments and shattered dreams just because I didn’t end up being any of the above. If anything, I feel like my life has been a failure because no one is willing to pay me to just travel around and write about it.

But coming back to the IAS Officer business, as a child I had no clue what being an IAS Officer entailed, but it just sounded suitably impressive. I suppose it was because of the word Officer at the end of it – it added just that amount of heft and authoritativeness that was hard to match. Of course, when I later realized that all of Bihar came to Delhi to study for the IAS exams and it involved a level of dedicated, single-minded devotion to studying that comfortably surpassed engineering college preparations, I steered clear of the civil service exams. In any case, those were the days of a different, pre-liberalized India, when, childhood fantasies aside, apart from IAS Officer, there were precisely three career options to choose from – Doctor, Lawyer or Engineer. While Doctor had the whole nobility and lifesaving thing going for it; complex biological diagrams were enough to deter a weak-willed student such as myself who was always looking for the easy way out. Even before that, Doctor and Lawyer sounded scary since it meant more years in college and everyone told you it also meant studying for the rest of your life to stay updated in your profession. Of course, it isn’t like Engineering was a piece of cake either. After the 10^th boards, all of a sudden, the kids who took school very seriously suddenly treated it with casual disdain – school was something they just had to pass and get out of the way. 2 years of rigorous preparation and liberal burning of the midnight lamp was devoted to engineering preparation, only for a majority of them to then spend 4 years of engineering college lost in a haze of marijuana, old monk and navy cuts. Basically if you weren’t studying for medicine or law, here’s what your career choice flowchart looked like:

Pre-Liberalization Career Choice Flowchart for Someone not Studying Law or Medicine

Thankfully, by the time I got out of school, other options that involved considerably less studying did open up and I was able to slip out of the constricting dragnet imposed by the flowchart above. Now that I think of it, I suppose at least some other professions like advertising or marketing had always existed, but somehow no parent ever told you “Son, I want to see you grow up to be an advertising or marketing guy one day”.

In this day and age, though, the whole clamour for a job in the civil services does seem a little baffling. Even accounting for the security of a government job, why aren’t people as eager to join, say, the Censor Board, instead of the IAS? Of course, with the whole fiasco over Udta Punjab, it’s clear that the censor board is entirely peopled by idiots with the rational and emotional intelligence of pond scum. The qualification criterion is probably limited to displaying large amounts of incompetence with a liberal splash of sycophancy and a predilection for moral policing. But the occasional bad press aside, doesn’t it sound like one of the best jobs to have? I mean, think about it – if someone offered you money and asked if would you rather spend your days running the country or watching movies, what sounds like a more attractive prospect?

Imagine coming in to work everyday with the question “So what movies are we going to watch today?” You’d get paid to watch a particularly steamy sex scene again and again to decide whether it should be banned or not. It’s the sort of job you’d love to be thorough with. “Hey, play that bit where he utterly ravishes her naked body in a fit of passion one more time, will you? We must be absolutely sure if this warrants banning or not.” Your quarterly targets would be based on the number of movies you’d watched. Ordinary people goof off at the office and watch videos on the internet, you’d be so tired of videos that you’d probably be mastering Calculus or unraveling the mysteries of quantum mechanics in your spare time. The only downside I can think of is that if you’re really junior, you’d probably only be given the lousy Akshay Kumar or Abhishek Bachchan movies for the first few years, and you’ll have to work your way up the censor board food chain before getting access to the critically acclaimed art house stuff. Still, your job would hands down beat any of those regular jobs that involved crunching numbers or making strategic presentations.

Outside of the all-time dream job of being a travel or cookery show host, I cant think of too many jobs more enjoyable than joining the Censor Board – yet the entrance exams for the Censor Board of India barely attracts any attention at all. Perhaps the job is so attractive that no one ever quits and there’s already a 20-year waiting list like those prestigious clubs. I wish someone had told me all this 20 years ago - I'd probably have a job watching movies all day by now!

Politics, Careers and The Lord!

There are people and companies that make a living by forecasting fads and advising their clients on how to exploit the fad and make money out of it. However, I’m quite sure that none of these companies would have seen the whole shoe-hurling fad coming. I don’t suppose ‘Trend Forecasters Founded by People Who Always Claim to Have Correctly Predicted Events AFTER They Happen’ Inc would’ve made a presentation to Nike saying “Over the next few months, hurling shoes at politicians would be the in-thing. People all over the world would be indulging in it, so perhaps you could market a special line of shoes that have been tested for target practice at firing ranges, in order to ensure maximum accuracy while hurling.”

What’s interesting to note, though, is the contrasting ways in which the shoes were hurled, and the reactions to the same, which probably give a good indication of the respective cultures of the countries where the incident occurred. To illustrate this point, let us consider the first case in Iraq and the latest Indian case.

In the Iraqi case, even though the journalist was a good 20-30 feet away from the target, he still fancied his chances and HURLED the shoe with all his might. Only an unexpectedly agile Bush ensured that the journalist missed his target. In footballing terms, this would be equivalent to someone unleashing a fierce thirty-yard shot from outside the penalty area, forcing the goalkeeper into a save at full-stretch. In the Indian case, the journalist was sitting BARELY 2 metres from his target. Yet, all he could manage was a gentle, UNDERARM (yes, he actually threw the shoe underarm, if you see the footage!) throw which harmlessly floated past the target. While doing this, he mumbled “I protest.”  This is like a striker having an open goal at his mercy from 2 yards out, but he doesn’t even force the goalkeeper into a save, instead side-footing the ball gently beyond the post.

In Iraq, the journalist was immediately pounced upon by security, bundled to the ground, handcuffed and dragged away. Apparently he was even tortured while in prison. If it was the Taliban, he probably would’ve been whipped or stoned in public. If it was any other country, he would’ve at least been detained for a while. In the US he would’ve even been forced to appear on talk shows. In India, however, the journalist was ‘forgiven’ and offered cash rewards and a ticket to contest for Parliament! In fact, even while he was escorted out, security was instructed to be ‘gentle’. Talk about being hospitable and forgiving!

Apart from politics, though, there have been a lot of profound and fundamental questions that I’ve been grappling with: does God exist; what is the point of our existence; and what happens if you’re seeing a guy called Jesus. Apparently Madonna is seeing this chap called Jesus; I wonder if that would earn her some brownie points with God. You know, when she’s up there at the pearly gates and St Peter tells her that he didn’t particularly care for “Papa Don’t Preach” and asks her to give some justification as to why she should be allowed into heaven, she can always say “Look, I loved Jesus, honest! I let Jesus into my life.”

It turns out that the goalkeeper of the Spanish hockey team is also named Jesus. This raises interesting possibilities – the Bible always tells you that Jesus Saves. But in this case, that could well change to Jesus saves, but the rebound fell to an opponent striker and he scored. And what happens to his teammates, when Jesus allows an easy goal? Do they still tell him “F%#k you, Jesus!”?

Since I don’t have any more Jesus jokes, I shall now move on to the more serious topic of jobs. It’s fascinating how the profession you’re in has such a great effect on the way you speak. An MBA would try and use words like synergy and out-of-the-box thinking in most of their sentences. A hip-hop artiste would say things like “Ahm goann’ whip yo’ ass”. A politician would use the sentences “But how does this help the poor?” and “We shall stand united against the forces of communalism” in each and every argument.  A call centre employee would always tell you “We’ll look into it, Sir. It’ll take five working days to address your complaint”. A sales person would always be extra-friendly and act like your best friend and tell you things like “Between the two of us...” or “I don’t do this with any of my other customers, but because it’s you...”

But what I don’t get is why commercial pilots speak the way they do. It’s not as if they’re a VJ or a boxing match announcer or a vegetable seller that they need to speak in a particular way. Yet all commercial pilots always speak in that same tone “Uhhh...welcome to Kingfisher Airlines. Uhhh...umm...the weather today is mostly clear skies. We uhhh...ummm...shall be flying at a height of 35,000 feet above sea level. Ummm...there might be a bit of turbulence during the flight....but, ahhh...umm...my crew is there in case you require any...uhh...assistance. On behalf of my co-pilot and ummm...crew, this is ahhh...umm...your captain wishing you all a...uhhh...pleasant flight. Thank you.” Do they actually talk like that even when they’re not on the job? “Honey, I uhhh...ummm...prepared breakfast for you today. You might...ahh..umm...want to steer clear of the kitchen for a while. Also...ahh...we’re out of eggs and milk...so...umm...I ordered some from the nearby store.”

Perhaps instead of having career aptitude tests and career counselling sessions, schools should just look at the way students speak and decide what job would be right for them; this would greatly simplify matters -

Always talks about the sad and dark aspects of life? Poet (Or Economist)

Extra-friendly and talkative (and has just convinced you sell your car and invest the proceeds in the Nicaraguan bonds market)? Sales (Or Management)

Always uses ahhh, ummm...and generally pauses a lot while speaking? Commercial Pilot (Or Management)

Keeps using phrases like “I know exactly what you mean?” Psychologist (Or Management – HR)

Always pretends to understand what you’ve told them without having a clue? Customer Service (Or Management)

Never answers your question but instead gives a totally irrelevant and long answer hoping that it would deter you from asking further questions? Politician (Or Management)

Can always lie to you while giving you the impression of complete honesty? Lawyer (Or Management)

From the above list, it’s pretty clear that just about anyone can get into management, as long as you’re willing to make your negative traits a basis for a career.