A March from the Past

Remember those army ads that they've been showing before the movies? The ones where there’s a doctor parachuting down a hill to save lives, or a woman is doing rock-climbing type adrenaline junkie stuff, all as part of their everyday jobs? The ones that go on to tell you that if you want to live a life less ordinary, the army is the place to be? I guess one of the reasons why the army puts out ads like these is to appeal to the privileged, bungee jumping, skydiving, river rafting, zip lining, swimming with the dolphins, maxing every moment, thrill seeking yuppie millenials bored with the humdrum state of everyday life. The sort who would share life-affirming travel quotes about how it broadens your mind and makes you a better person and teaches you life-lessons you’d never learn otherwise and why everyone should quit their jobs and spend their lives traveling because that’s the only way you can really be a complete person and yes it has nothing to do with privilege or the fact that travel is the new social currency for a generation that’s generally had it easier and therefore isn’t so hung up on that house or that car and likes to consider itself less materialistic.

Sure, there is all that, but the other reason for these ads is to undo years of damage that school education does to the ordinary child’s perception of army life. Seventeen-odd years of school life teaches you that you’ll be solving parabolic equations if you’re an engineer, balancing equations if you’re a scientist and marching all the time if you join the army. Of course there is a lot more to army life than marching, but that’s not what the schools would like you to believe. The only bit of army life that you were exposed to in school was the march past, which, to me, was among the most mind-numbingly boring and pointless things one could ever do. You’d spend hours toiling in the sun, getting yelled all manner of abuse because your arms weren’t stiff enough or rising up and down in unison with the rest of the group. And to what end? So that parents and a chief guest would land up on sports day and spend an afternoon that was equal parts mild tedium, gentle boredom and humdrum monotony. I mean, if there was some grander purpose to the march past, I may still have taken it more seriously. But to practice relentlessly for weeks on end, striving for pointless perfection, all for the purpose of 20 minutes of marching around a field that your parents couldn’t really care less about? It isn’t like they ever told me I marched brilliantly and would take me out for a special dinner, or would forgive other transgressions like low marks or getting into trouble. “Even though you flunked Maths and sneaked a cigarette into the bathroom, we’re willing to overlook that because by God, your marching skills are simply divine!”

The best that you can do through great marching skills, the absolute pinnacle of marching achievement, is to march during the republic day parade. In theory, this sounds like a big deal, but if you think about it, it really isn’t. It’s just a grander, adult version of sports day where you’ll be marching past a bored president and an even more bored visiting head of state. Yes, the whole country may be watching on TV, but really everyone’s just waiting for those motorcycle stuntmen to do their thing. Granted that everyone loves motorcycle stuntmen and there’s no shame in being overshadowed by them, but you’re also overshadowed by all manner of weapon systems and missiles, planes flying in formation, and, worst of all, a never-ending series of eccentric tableaus put up by each of the 29 states!

But coming back to the army, it wasn’t just schools that made the army look bad – it was Hollywood as well. Unfortunately for the army, we were the first generation that was exposed to Hollywood movies, and that didn’t help matters. Until it was just Bollywood, everyone would’ve been scrambling over each other to join the army. Army people were honest, patriotic citizens who fell in love with beautiful women, only to then get called to the border. But the affair continued in the form of long, passionate letters written in the midst of blowing up Pakistani tanks, performing acts of great heroism and forging immense bonds of camaraderie with your fellow army men. Who wouldn't want all that? You could really do no wrong by joining the army, was the general Bollywood consensus. With Hollywood though, the army was an entirely different cup of tea. You could see that your entire lineage would be insulted in highly colourful language while you were getting yelled at and being asked to crawl through a muddy trench and do a hundred push ups in the middle of a heavy downpour simply because an angry superior didn’t like your face and wanted to show you that he was the boss.

What better way, then, to remind you that the army isn’t just march pasts and getting yelled at than just before the start of a Hollywood movie? And if that doesn’t do the trick and get you to join, hopefully the national anthem right after will!

Su(r)e We Do!

There are many quick ways to make big money – but most of these usually involve high levels of chance (gambling, lottery), great risk to life and limb (adventure sports, crime), or being subject to intense humiliation and ridicule accompanied with an acceptance to be the laughing stock of the country (reality TV, politics). There is, however, a fourth and easier way to make big money that doesn’t involve any of the above – although it’s probably applicable only if you’re in the US. Every now and again, you read these amazing stories about customers suing corporations in America, winning the subsequent lawsuit and ensuring their financial security for the next seven generations or so. You know what I’m talking about, the ones that typically sound like this:

“Woman wins $3 million from McDonalds”

McDonalds was ordered by a federal court to pay $3 million in damages to Wilma Flintstone, a 35 year old native of Lincoln, Nebraska. Mrs. Flintstone sued McDonalds after getting burn marks on her forearms after spilling a McCoffee. Seeking compensation for the consequent series of cosmetic surgeries and considerable mental anguish, Mrs. Flintstone alleged that the steam emerging from the cup was insufficient evidence that the cup of McCoffee was hot, and insisted that McDonalds had not warned her that the cup of McCoffee could possibly have a high temperature and was unsuitable for application on her forearms.

In an unusual move, the judge announced his verdict by starting with the classic joke about a horse walking into a bar and being asked by the bartender “Why the long face?” The judge then proceeded with the verdict, explaining that he narrated the joke so that the courtroom could distinguish between the joke and the judgment.

“Man gets $5 million compensation for eating cardboard box”

A man who ate the cardboard box containing some pesticides he’d purchased sued the manufacturer Dow Chemicals Ltd for not having given sufficient warning as to the inedibility of the box. While the pesticide packet had a sufficient number of “Poison - Do not consume internally” warnings; the man claimed that there was no instruction whatsoever to stop him from eating the carton. Dow Chemicals, already feeling guilty about a number of past misdeeds, decided that it was best to settle out of court rather than face the potential negative publicity of a lawsuit, and agreed upon a settlement of $5 million in small, unmarked bills.

All this made me wonder – how come we don’t have any of this in India? If you look at most news channels or online forums, you’ll realize that Indians do get outraged – very easily and very frequently. In fact, if you look at someone like Arnab Goswami, he’d get outraged even if you told him that he’d just won a lottery, a genie would fulfill his top three wishes AND God had reserved a place for him in heaven. (“Mr. Finance Minister, the nation demands an answer. What sort of a country do we live in where one man can get everything he’d ever hoped for, yet more than half the country is living in abject poverty? Is this what we’ve been reduced to? If this is not a black spot on the nation’s credibility, I don’t know what is!”) So how come we don’t sue, the way the Americans do?

As someone who’s not an expert in law, psychology, anthropology, socio cultural phenomena or consumer affairs, I have no clue as to what the answer is. One possible explanation could be that Indians do sue, but we do it more out of a sense of community duty or for the ‘greater good’ as opposed to a profit motive. This would explain the large number of PILs. As a matter of fact I personally knew a guy who’d filed a PIL against Fashion TV complaining that their late-night content was inappropriate for family audiences. What on earth made him choose Fashion TV over a hundred other possible channels while watching TV with his family at midnight, one can only guess!

This is why the corresponding headlines that you’d come across on court cases in Indian newspapers would sound like these:

“Man files PIL against RCB Cheerleaders”

Activist BN Krishna has filed a PIL against the cheerleading squad of the Royal Challengers Bangalore in the IPL, alleging that the use of skimpy clothes and provocative gyrations was against Indian culture and tradition and would have a negative influence on millions of viewers across India, especially men.

“Man files PIL against Pune Warriors Cheerleaders”

Advocate PS Kirpal has filed a PIL against the Pune Warriors cheerleading squad, saying that dressing up and dancing traditionally for a Western activity like cheerleading was demeaning to Indian culture and portrayed it in negative light. He also added that Bharatnatyam, the dance used by the cheerleaders, was actually a Tamil dance form and not a Marathi one; and this was insulting to either the Tamilians or the Marathis, or maybe even both.

Basically, if an American didn’t like something, he’d sue, citing ‘mental trauma and duress’ and demand an insanely high level of compensation; whereas an Indian would file a PIL saying that it was against culture/religion/society and demand that it be discontinued.

Maybe advertising has something to do with this – the ‘Jaago Graahak Jaago’ ads do little to inspire confidence in the consumers. While the ads make it look like you, the consumer, has a lot of power, it feels like some fake sort of power. The sort of power where if the company does not mention the correct quantity present in the pack, you, as an empowered consumer, can go to the consumer court and fight a lengthy court case at the end of which the company would have to tell you that they were sorry. At the most, they would replace that pack for you, or if you’re really lucky, they’d give you an extra pack for your trouble. Now if the ads were changed to show some down-on-his-luck sort of fellow who happens to buy a product one fine day, sues the company and in the next scene is shown with a bevy of women by his side, wearing the finest designer suit and hopping into a stretch limo – that’s the sort of thing that would really awaken the consumer!