The Art of Self-Defence

When we’re children, adults often fool us into doing things that are allegedly good for us and therefore we ought to do, like studying Geography. However, even as a child, I was not foolish enough to believe that karate was helpful for self-defence purposes. For some reason, though, most of the others seemed to believe this. One moment, karate was just this fighting style that you saw in obscure Chinese movies, the next moment every school and neighbourhood seemed to have karate classes for kids. One minute the neighbourhood parks were filled with kids playing cricket, the next minute the parks were filled with the same kids attending karate classes. Even in schools, instead of spending valuable time playing football or doing nothing, kids were forced into white gowns and colourful belts, made to squat in absurd positions and move their hands and feet while yelling all the time.

As a kid, it all just looked like too much effort for too little reward, but now that I think about it, the whole karate craze seems all the more ridiculous. I mean, think about it – have you EVER seen ANYBODY using karate for self-defence? The truth is that nobody uses karate, unless you’re in a Chinese movie. The way everybody seemed to be taking up karate at that stage, it seemed like there would be a new karate generation in the country. One would’ve thought that by the time we all grew up, people on the road would be engaging in karate fights whenever there was a scuffle due to a road accident.

Yet, as kids, karate was extolled to us as an excellent method for self-defence. The final outcome of a karate training course, however, was not kids who could defend themselves; rather they were kids who could put up an incredibly boring show to an equally disinterested audience consisting mostly of parents. The highlight of the show would be kids breaking wooden boards with their hands, or if they were really good, breaking bricks with their heads.

Think about it. As someone who’s pondering the merits of taking up karate, how would this sound for a conversation you have with a martial arts instructor:

You: So how exactly would this training help me?

Instructor: Well, you’d be able to break wooden boards or tiles with your own hands. Or if you’re really good, you could break bricks with your hands or even your head.

You: And that would help me because...?

Instructor: Ahhh...ummm...well, we’d also give you a succession of coloured belts to keep you motivated.

You: Really? Why didn’t you just say so earlier? Sign me up, I’m in!

Perhaps the only thing that karate is really useful for is the movies. If you ask the Chinese about kung-fu or karate, they would tell you that these are ancient Chinese martial arts techniques that require years of rigorous practice after which you can make terrible movies using only your hands and feet along with a lot of wooden furniture. For some reason most of these movies tend to have the word ‘Dragon’ as part of the name - such as Enter the Dragon, Curse of the Dragon, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, etc. This is how these movies are generally made:

• The hero goes to some martial arts training school that is located on top of a forbidden-looking mountain, far far away from civilization. The school can only be reached by foot and even reaching there generally requires a level of effort comparable to Magellan circumnavigating the Earth.
• On the first day, the hero, who is no slouch when it comes to martial arts and is pretty much the best exponent of it in his part of town, is utterly humiliated by the old master in a one-sided fight scene. The old master has a very long moustache and at some point in the past was the greatest warrior to have lived and had a ridiculous title such as The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire. The hero realises that he has a lot to learn.
• For 5-odd years, the hero undergoes a gruelling training where he is made to eat terrible food, sleep on cold stone floors and wear terrible clothes, mostly just a plain gown.
• Then one fine day the hero is suddenly attacked by 4-5 excellent fighters. A long martial-art fight sequence ensues, filled with gravity-defying stunts and a lot of wooden furniture being broken. A bit like the Matrix, the assailants keep getting knocked down and you’d think they were dead, but they bounce back and keep the fight going on for long. However, the hero has now honed his fighting skills and finally is able to vanquish his assailants.
• At this point The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire appears out of the shadows and solemnly proclaims. “You have learnt well, Master X. After years and years of training, you are now ready to go out into the world and make some of the most terrible movies in the world using only your hands, feet and immense powers of concentration.”

(Note: This is a far cheaper approach than Hollywood, where they use a lot of expensive cars, explosives and Arnold Schwarzenegger to make some of the most terrible movies in the world).

I think most kids realised what a monumental waste of time karate had been by the time they grew into their teens. Which is when they decided to spend their valuable time playing pool instead; another craze that totally bypassed me for some reason – but I shall leave that topic for another day...