Branding the Movies!

Here’s the trouble with life – shit happens. And when it doesn’t, there’s constipation, which is probably worse! Ok, now that line has absolutely nothing at all to do with this article – this is neither a philosophical ramble about life, nor does it have anything to do with the fag end of the digestive process. But I just wanted to fit it in somehow – just as the creators of Confident Casanova would’ve reacted when the Confident Group agreed to pump in some money for their new film.

Now, for those of you not aware – well, pretty much most of you, actually, Confident Casanova is the name of a new Mallu film, one that also happens to be the most expensive Mallu film EVER made. It’s the sort of name that stops you in your tracks and makes you wonder “WTF???!!!” Sure, it’s quite likely that the Casanova in question would embody confidence as one of his foremost attributes; but it still seems a little superfluous to say so upfront. It’s a bit like if Rambo was titled as “Strong Rambo”, or if the Godfather were to be named “Powerful Godfather”. After getting over the ridiculousness of the name, it turned out that the word Confident in the movie title was inserted into the name because the movie’s main sponsor was the Confident Group (a Bangalore-based real estate company).

I suppose that this sort of information can set alarm bells ringing for a lot of people and trigger off a chain of apocalyptic thoughts like “Is this what the world is really coming to? Are brands now going to take over our movies? What next – will our textbooks in schools be named after brands as well? Will brands start sponsoring religion as well? Will Leonardo di Caprio plant a brand name in my brain using the technique of inception? Is there any way we can blame this on the BCCI? Can someone please explain to me what on earth the difference between a Llama and an Alpaca is?”

Valid as such apprehensions may be, there is also the prospect of movies with bizarre plot twists that could come about as a result of the marketing chaps climbing into bed and getting cozy with the movie fellows. Rather than risking consumers’ ire by forcing their name onto a movie title, brands could use this as the latest ploy to sully their competitors’ reputations. Here are a couple of twists on some popular movies that I could think of – I’m sure many, far more interesting ideas could come about as a result of further brainstorming and introspection.

The Kingfisher Terminal

The Kingfisher Terminal features Tom Hanks essaying the role of a Bangalore IT professional. Through a strange quirk of circumstances, Hanks is stuck at the Bangalore International Airport for nearly six months, due to the fact that his flight is delayed every single day. Sometimes, just to break the monotony, his flight is overbooked. But the next available flight is never more than 10 hours later. As a result of this, it does not make sense for Tom to venture back home due to the inconvenient fact that he has taken up residence at Electronic City, which is a good 3-hour drive from the airport, and he has to report ridiculously early for an international flight.

The film casts light on the apathy of modern-day airlines towards an ordinary passenger, and how the cut-throat competition in the aviation industry has meant that customer welfare generally ranks somewhere between ‘ethical business practices’ and ‘should we allow polar bears on international flights if they’re willing to travel first-class?’ on their list of priorities.

Despite the hardships faced by Tom, though, the film isn’t one of the all-consuming, depressing sorts that might possibly drive one to the brink of inflicting grave harm upon one’s self or one’s surroundings. Rather, the film poignantly highlights the ability of the human spirit to rise above all adversities as Tom, instead of moping about or going on an abusive rampage against the customer service staff, takes it all in his stride and makes the airport a second home. While at the airport, Tom manages to make friends with the airport staff, learn the entire domestic flight schedule for no apparent reason and even have a fleeting affair with a frequent flyer! Don’t miss out on this heartwarming tale slated for release this coming Friday.

The Airtel Negotiator

A group of crazed terrorists has just taken hostage nearly 200 people in a shopping complex in Mumbai. The whole country has come to a standstill as people watch this saga unfolding live on their TV screens. The city police, the army and the NSG have all been called in as the complex is surrounded on all sides and a strategy to rescue the hostages is being plotted. The Prime Minister himself is monitoring the situation on a lot of fancy TV screens that bring him real-time updates at 7, Race Course Road, a sort of Indian equivalent to all those American disaster movies where Mr. President sits in the Oval Office solemnly surrounded by his generals and advisers and tries to save the world from the impending aliens/mutants/meteorite/nuclear war/etc.

Specially flown in all the way from the US is Samuel L Jackson, who has forged his reputation over the last couple of decades as the toughest negotiator around. BUT…BUT…as soon as Samuel L makes the call to start the negotiations, he runs out of talk time! Despite repeated pleas to his network operator that a crisis situation such as this is worthy of additional talk-time, and that he would happily settle any outstanding amount as soon as he’s done, Samuel L is informed that his request would take 48 hours to be processed. Samuel then puts his negotiating skills, along with his patience, to the ultimate test as he embarks upon a series of calls (interrupted by long spells of instrumental music) with customer service personnel while he tries to figure out a way to convince the network operator to be willing to entertain his plea at such short notice. The swagger with which Samuel had first arrived to begin the negotiations slowly starts receding and Samuel’s confidence visibly drains as the negotiations drag on for hours. Will Samuel finally be able to rescue the hostages? And more importantly, will Samuel be able to negotiate the requisite talk time from his network operator to enable him to get a shot at rescuing the hostages? To find out, catch The Airtel Negotiator, coming soon to a theater near you.