Doggone Cats

As an outsider to the world of fantasy novels, I’d always painted Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings with the same brushstroke. You know, magical lands, bearded old wizards in robes, dragon-type creatures, a valuable artifact that everyone is after…that sort of thing. Little did I know how wrong I was – true fans of the fantasy genre are a passionate lot, and you don’t want to be at the wrong end of this passion by ignorantly categorizing Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings as being “pretty much the same thing”. Howls of outrage, shrieks of disagreements and threats to sever ties of friendship are just some of the outcomes you should be prepared for in the event of such an extremity.

The Lord of the Rings fans consider themselves to be the original and true fans of the genre – the ones that took to fantasy before it went mainstream, the ones that are truly immersed in their little world of fantasy, even if it isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. Harry Potter, to them, is a dumbed down version of the fantasy genre to make it more accessible to a wider audience – but it isn’t the real deal. It’s like the cricket obsessed guy that’s wary of a girlfriend who only gets excited about India-Pakistan matches, or those Metallica fans that look down on people who say they like Metallica because of ‘Nothing Else Matters’. On the other hand, to a Harry Potter fan, the Lord of the Rings fellow is a pretentious snob who only looks down on Harry Potter because of its popularity – the way you’d disown a fashion trend in college if it became way too popular and even the uncool kids started wearing it.

It’s the kind of mistake that people in the US political circles always make. Whenever a US politician makes a South Asia trip, they’d club India and Pakistan together – to them it’s all the same “Brown skinned people, spicy food, chaotic streets and crowded countries.” To us, though, it’s flabbergasting. How can you hyphenate us with Pakistan? We’re a peace loving, democratic and cultured lot with a growing economy that you must invest in, whereas they’re war-mongering religious nutjob terrorists on the verge of utter collapse.

Like India-Pakistan or Harry Potter-Lord of the Rings, it’s the same with cats and dogs among most people I know – loving cats and loving dogs are mutually exclusive activities. A dog lover would wax lyrical about dogs being a picture of affection and loyalty, while dismissing cats as aloof and selfish. A cat lover, on the other hand, would deride dogs as being dumb and too much of a slobbering mess while praising cats as intelligent creatures that were a study in stately, regal indifference. You had to be either a cat person or a dog person – you weren’t allowed to be both. Somehow, that never made much sense to me – while I fancied myself as more of a dog person, I quite liked cats as well.

Maybe it was a bit of an underdog (or undercat, perhaps!) thing – I genuinely felt bad for cats. I think it all started with Tom & Jerry. Unlike most people, I was a wholehearted Tom sympathizer. Jerry was no helpless mouse; he was a smug, sadistic bastard who knew that Tom would never catch him, and derived great vicarious pleasure watching poor Tom fail spectacularly in his ill-fated attempts. Even if Tom did catch Jerry, that bulldog would suddenly appear and thrash the living bejesus out of Tom. The worst was when Tom would try to woo a female cat. He’d suddenly start talking, and with a suave French accent at that – how cool was that? Is there anything that resourceful cat could not do? And Jerry, instead of allowing Tom to enjoy that one little sliver of happiness in an otherwise hopeless existence, that one fleeting glimmer of success in a lifetime ridden with crushing, bitter failure, would go out of his way to ensure that he’d ruin it for Tom. As I grew older, it was the same with movies. A dog would be the hero’s best friend, a dog would be the protector of the hero’s family, a dog would help you get through the snow, a dog would attack the bad guy just when he was about to kill you – well, you get the picture. A cat, on the other hand, would just sit on a villain’s lap and look evil. Somehow, traditional media didn’t have any affection for cats.

And then the Internet came along. Sure, it’s changed the way we work, shop, interact with people and spend our free time, but it’s cats that have been the biggest beneficiaries of the World Wide Web. Suddenly cats were playing the piano, looking grumpy, tap dancing, engaging in pitched battles with household objects or simply doing nothing at all – and people were lapping it all up. Raved about on Youtube, followed on Instagram, merchandised as mugs and T-Shirts – cats were all over the Internet while dogs were still only email forwards.

This is all a very long-winded way of coming to the point of what was originally intended as a post about deciding on a pet. While reasonably fond of animals, I’m not of the zealous animal lover disposition – the sort of person who’d turn vegetarian or crusade for animal rights at every given opportunity. A bit like how most people would like an ideal relationship to be, when I did come around to the thought of a pet, the pet-human equation I sought belonged more in the casual, no-strings-attached end of the spectrum. Sure, I’d play with the pet and have my share of fun, but I wasn’t signing up for too much of the maintenance part – the cleaning up, the regular walks and all the other daily rigours and rituals that having a pet would entail. A cat, then, seemed to be the ideal starting point – a happy equilibrium of reasonable fun and low bother.

Disclaimer: As anyone who’s ever been married would’ve guessed by now, all this was just post-rationalisation. The truth is that The Missus is fond of cats, so a cat it was.

Once again though, it turns out I was sadly mistaken. The happy equilibrium was merely a mirage – the cat we ended up with was shrill, attention seeking, opinionated and clumsy. Calling her “a study in stately, regal indifference” would be akin to describing a Quentin Tarantino movie as a gentle, non-violent paragon of filmmaking. Now, if only an Internet sensation and a lot of money could be made – redemption could be at hand!