All Trumped Up

Here’s the thing – I’m not a religious nut job, I don’t think everybody having guns is a good idea at all and neither have I married one of my cousins. I do, however, harbour serious reservations about evolution. But it’s not because I buy into creationism. I don't believe that a big, bearded man in the sky dressed in flowing white robes created everything during a particularly hectic week before resting on Sunday and then flouncing off never to be seen again. And yes, while all of modern science points to the fact that evolution really has transpired and that humans have been getting smarter over the centuries, something seems to have gone terribly wrong over the last few months. I don’t know what Darwin would’ve made of it, but how can you equate humanity getting smarter with Donald Trump being voted as one of the presidential candidates in the USA? And this isn’t some banana-republic type outpost in the tropical backwaters we’re talking about – the sort where mosquitoes, diseases and tyrannical dictators pop up with alarming regularity – this is the world’s most powerful country. And a democracy, at that – what good is for the people, by the people and of the people if the people themselves are that foolish?

To the outside world, it neatly fits in with the whole stereotype about Americans being dumb. While I’ve never been an advocate for all things American, I somehow don't believe that stereotype to be true. Sure, there may be a large number of Americans who think that we Indians go back home riding an elephant once we’re done with our call centre shifts, but you don’t get to be the world’s most powerful country if you’re peopled entirely by idiots. So I’d always assumed that the US was more a country of contrasts – that for every dungaree clad, tobacco chewing, shotgun toting country bumpkin that was sitting on a farmyard porch all day; there was an overachieving, academically and extra-curricular-ly hyperactive, Ivy league educated, sharp suited city slicker working 20 hours a day to reinforce that country’s capitalist hegemony over the world. It’s the same if you looked at that country through the lens of health habits – while a large segment of the population is obese, there are also enough super-fit people to counter act that and establish some sort of weight equilibrium. For every oversized-cheeseburger-eating, cola-sipping, eat-all-you-can indulging, morbidly obese American that gets wedged in the doorway, there is a calorie counting, carbohydrate eliminating, gym-going, fitness paranoid, wellness obsessed American who only consumes something if it’s decaf, no fat, low-salt, no sodium, zero trans fat and without added sugar. So yes, it’s the most obese country in the world, but it’s also the country responsible for every single health food fad from wheat germ, quinoa and kale to all manner of diets and nutrition theories that have fuelled enough paranoia, anorexia and insecurity to allow an entire industry to get obscenely rich on the back of dodgy health promises.

Of course, it isn’t just America that’s showing signs that evolution has wandered off for a gentle stroll downhill. With our chief political preoccupations in India revolving around Modi’s degree, the extreme threat to national security posed by left-leaning JNU students and the critical need to establish nationalist credentials by screaming Bharat Mata kii jai, we’re not exactly the brightest when it comes to understanding priorities. Clearly, it isn’t too much of a stretch to conclude that we’re all plunging headlong, arms flailing and voices shrill with screaming, into a dumber race.

On the bright side, though, this isn’t the case with our machines – they’re only getting smarter with time. For a long time, the world was a simple place where mobile phones were as heavy as a brick, could double up as a weapon of self-defence and could be used to place calls, send texts or play Snakes. And then the smart phone came along – suddenly your phone could send emails, allow you to browse the internet, order a taxi, predict the weather and generally do just about anything apart from brewing a cup of coffee. Not content with smart phones, the companies decided that everything should be smart. So smart watches came up, which would do everything already being done by your smart phone, except that you could also wear it on your wrist and really squint to read all that stuff. Then along came the smart TV, which allowed you to do everything that you could do with your smart phone, except that you could also mount it on your wall and luxuriate in the vastness of the screen. It was the era of convergence – your smart phone became your secretary, your secretary became your lover, your lover became your computer, your computer became your home theatre, your home theatre became your smart phone and it all got very confusing indeed.

My only complaint is that if instead of running about like headless chickens making everything smart, the companies could just focus on making one thing really, really, clever. You know, take the smart phone, for example, and turn it into a clever, genius phone. A phone so clever, it could warn you not to drunk dial someone the next time you’re hammered. A phone so clever, it would shut down automatically if it feels you’re being too rude by constantly checking your phone when you’re out meeting people. A phone so clever, it could stop you sending that rude email that you’ll regret the next day by pretending to send the email but not actually sending it. A phone so clever, it would notify pesky clients you’re on holiday even if you’re not. A phone so clever, it’s GPS could warn you if the restaurant you’ve chosen for your next date is not any good, or ask you to get a life if you haven’t ventured out for days on end.

A phone so clever, it would convince Donald Trump not to run for presidency.