Scientific Progress Goes Boink

A couple of months ago, the scientific community, the community of people that get excited about everything, and the larger community in general, were falling over themselves in excitement at the discovery of gravitational waves. It was hailed as the next big scientific discovery, the biggest thing to have happened to science since quantum mechanics. Of course, with the advent of social media, everything seems like the biggest thing since sliced bread, the iPhone & the season finale of Game of Thrones put together, so it’s sometimes hard to distinguish between real news and something trivial that just happens to be trending on social media. Still, it all seemed like a terribly big deal and made me curious enough to know what gravitational waves were, and how it would make a difference to my life. While every news article seemed supremely thrilled about gravitational waves and kept stressing that it was a huge, game-changing discovery, most descriptions of gravitational waves made absolutely no sense to me, no matter how hard I tried to pay attention. Then I came across one site that claimed to explain it in layman’s terms, promising that it was so simple that even a 5 year old, or a person with the IQ of Donald Trump, would understand it. It promptly proceeded to use big words like space-time continuum (I know 5-year-olds these days are a lot smarter than I was as 5, but which 5 year old will understand space time continuum?) that perplexed me even further. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not complaining that I couldn’t understand what gravitational waves were – in fact it was quite the opposite. I was satisfied that here, at last, was some legitimate science.

I’ve always had a strange equation with science – from afar, it’s been fascinating, but when science gets really serious, I don’t understand a thing. When science is watered down and made into popular science with books like The Brief History of Nearly Everything, I’m utterly fascinated and captivated by it. Sometimes I even think that if this is how science was taught in school, I’d perhaps not have been so hopeless at it. But deep in my heart, I know that this is rubbish. Sure, one may enjoy Bill Bryson’s fascinating stories about science or Carl Sagan talking about the Pale Blue Dot or Morgan Freeman narrating about the Cosmos (somehow, since the Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman has emerged as a universal narrator for all manner of movies and shows, so much so that most people will listen in awestruck fascination even if Morgan Freeman narrated about watching paint dry). But serious science still involves solving complex equations on projectile motion or mastering calculus and all manner of complex formulae – something I never got the hang of when I was 16, and that’s certainly not going to change now.

So my thrill when I couldn’t understand gravitational waves was derived from the satisfaction that it was actual science, as opposed to what you mostly come across as science in the papers these days, with headlines like “Teenage Boys Most Likely To Watch Porn”. Most of these scientific studies feel like science that’s not just watered down, but also positively dumbed down to remove any shred of intelligence. They’ll often be backed by august universities or institutions, but that doesn’t make them any less daft. That’s why most of what passes off as science in the newspapers looks like this:

“Staying Alone Can Make You Lonely”

Scientists at the Institute for Blindingly Obvious Research Studies have discovered that staying on your own can sometimes make you feel lonely, thereby inducing pangs of longing and enhancing the need for company. In a study conducted across 2000 people, it was concluded that people staying alone were 26% more likely to feel lonely every once in while than people who were staying with flat mates or a spouse.

“Eating Cheese Could Lead to Longer Life”

Scientists at the Institute that Does a New Food Research Everyday to Confuse You on What’s Good and What’s Bad have discovered that eating cheese could lead to a longer lifespan. In a completely bonkers study conducted over five decades across two groups – one that ate cheese regularly and one that rarely ate cheese – it was found that the cheese-eating group lived, on average, five years longer. While the cheese lobby was elated at the findings, scientists cautioned that the longer lifespan could also be because the cheese eating group led a healthier life overall with a daily routine of cycling, circuit training, long-distance running, weight training and yoga, combined with living in the countryside.  However, it could just as well be cheese, so to be safe it’s best to eat cheese anyway, said the Chief Scientist.

“Men More Likely to Stare at Busty Women”

Scientists at the Institute that Specialises in Creepy & Pointless Research have concluded that men are twice as likely to ogle at women with bigger breasts than women with regular breasts. In a controversial study that reeks of sexism and had feminists fuming and men queuing up in eager anticipation, 500 men were asked to sit down and ogle at a bunch of women passing by. Surprise, surprise - it was discovered that the men were twice more likely to ogle at women with larger breasts.

I'm sure there is real science going on all the time - maybe it just doesn't make it to the news. The last time real science was in the news was when the God particle was discovered, although, much like God Himself, it disappeared after a week of frenzied activity. Whatever happened of the Large Hadron Collider once the God particle was found? It’s probably lying unused, gathering cobwebs and dust, to the extent that something can gather dust when it’s located along the pristine alpine-ness of the Franco-Swiss border. My guess is they're trying to flog it off to some Elon Musk/Bruce Wayne type playboy tech millionaire:

LHC Salesman: Good evening, sir. We’re calling from CERN, and we were wondering if you’d be interested in purchasing the Large Hadron Collider?

Playboy Tech Millionaire: A large hadron collider? What on earth for?

LHC Salesman: It’s great for splitting atoms at very high speeds. In fact, it’s the best particle accelerator ever built – far better than your run-of-the-mill, everyday cyclotron.

Millionaire: But I’m not really in the habit of splitting atoms in my spare time. 

LHC: You should, then! There's nothing quite like the thrill of a high speed collision between subatomic particles. It’s also a chance to own a piece of scientific history. Plus it’s a 14 km long tunnel – you could use it as an escape route, for rave parties, or your kids could use it to play hide and seek, or…

(Line disconnected)