Absolutely Jargonned!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Tajikistan government’s decision to fine journalists for using incomprehensible words in their article. While governmental interference in matters related to grammar did not seem like a good idea at the time, something happened last morning that made me reconsider my stance. It was one of those jargon-filled emails that plague modern-day business correspondence and make you want to punch a nearby soft board in anger. If the Tajikistan government is going to get into the business of regulating language, I strongly advocate that it takes charge of all business communication around the world, and ban all incomprehensible words and jargon.

How often has it made you feel that you possess the IQ of a unicellular organism when you receive an email that goes something like this “The U&A study suggests that the 18-24 year old TG with ASL within normal parameters are 10% more likely to turn into zombies by EOD, as per weighted averages assigned post-facto.” All you can think of is “Wow, zombies! But what was the rest of the email all about?” Almost half the mails I get are sprinkled with a generous array of acronyms and jargon like EOD, PFA, scalable, hard stop, synergize and other, more obscure ones that I promptly forget once I find out what they mean. The companies should be help responsible for inflicting such boring language upon us, and it should be deducted from their profit margins as some sort of boredom infliction tax.

My instinct is to reply to such mails saying,

“Dear Corporate Middle Management Type,

Let’s assume that I know that you work in a highly specialized field that requires years of higher education and your job is one that cannot be done by any old nincompoop that you’ve just hired who happened to be walking down the street. Now that it’s out of the way, let’s talk in normal English instead of you ramming that point home all the time through the use of jargon.

Regards

Me”

Now, I know a lot of you might think that hey, this is the professional world and like all things professional, one cannot be anarchic when it comes to the use of language. But think about it – would it not be so much more interesting to receive an email that says “Hey man! Our brand sucks and the consumers don’t seem to give a shit. Hellllp!!!!” instead of the altogether more boring, but commonplace “The brand’s y-o-y sales figures reflect a downturn vis-à-vis the competition, with the brand scoring low on consumer indices of memorability and likeability, while scoring high on don’t-give-a-fuck-ability”?

Now, if the Tajikistan government is unwilling to take on this responsibility, a strong case could be made for the American government to be made in charge of corporate jargon. Not because the American government would make it fun, but it would at least make matters a little more interesting with its affinity for coining bizarre new terms. I mean, this was the same government that came up with the term friendly fire. Now, you might think that friendly fire refers to that warm, welcoming fire that burns away invitingly at a fireplace on a cold winter night, the sort of fire that you can really look forward to. But there’s really nothing friendly about getting killed by your own army, is there? Then of course there’s the more recent ‘Alternative Facts’. Again, like alternative rock, you might that maybe its some cool, different way of looking at facts, that there are two sides to every coin and all that. If you hadn’t known it already, you’d never guess that alternate facts are basically the same thing as outright lies.

The last person to be made in charge of corporate jargon, however, should be the Indian government. Any official, useful communication from the Indian government always sounds downright rude. The Indian government has the officious air of a strict headmaster who treats every student with a deep sense of mistrust and suspicion, knowing that they’re never up to any good. While the law may accept that you’re innocent until proven guilty, for the government you’re always guilty until you pay up. Every communication from the government sounds like the sort of threat the police might make to a hardened criminal, even when there’s no need to resort to threats. Take electricity bills, for example. Whenever I get a text informing me that my electricity bill has been sent, the government makes it sound like I’m some shifty low-life that has zero intention of paying them for electricity, even though I’ve always made it a point to pay on time. It’ll say, “Your bill amount is Rs XXX. Please treat this as 15 days disconnection notice, you lousy, freeloading, mooching, good-for-nothing excuse for a citizen”. I mean, I can understand if this was a follow-up text because I’ve exceeded the due date or something, but to resort to such threats as the very first line of communication seems a tad too aggressive. Periodically, the government will also threaten me because even though I’ve paid my Income Tax, I haven’t filed my acknowledgment of the government’s acknowledgment that I’ve paid my taxes (or some such similarly useless form that needs to be signed and sent only by speed post), and if I fail to do so then my tax returns will be deemed invalid! And if this isn't enough, just to retain the air of menace, the government also sends threatening messages that don’t even apply to me, to reinforce the point that the government is not one to be messed with, “Today is the last date to pay your service tax in case you’re a foodservice business. Heavy penalties and possible imprisonment could apply in case of late payment or non-declaration.”

Now, I don’t quite know how to end this post, so I guess it’ll just have to be a hard stop!