Politics, Careers and The Lord!

There are people and companies that make a living by forecasting fads and advising their clients on how to exploit the fad and make money out of it. However, I’m quite sure that none of these companies would have seen the whole shoe-hurling fad coming. I don’t suppose ‘Trend Forecasters Founded by People Who Always Claim to Have Correctly Predicted Events AFTER They Happen’ Inc would’ve made a presentation to Nike saying “Over the next few months, hurling shoes at politicians would be the in-thing. People all over the world would be indulging in it, so perhaps you could market a special line of shoes that have been tested for target practice at firing ranges, in order to ensure maximum accuracy while hurling.”

What’s interesting to note, though, is the contrasting ways in which the shoes were hurled, and the reactions to the same, which probably give a good indication of the respective cultures of the countries where the incident occurred. To illustrate this point, let us consider the first case in Iraq and the latest Indian case.

In the Iraqi case, even though the journalist was a good 20-30 feet away from the target, he still fancied his chances and HURLED the shoe with all his might. Only an unexpectedly agile Bush ensured that the journalist missed his target. In footballing terms, this would be equivalent to someone unleashing a fierce thirty-yard shot from outside the penalty area, forcing the goalkeeper into a save at full-stretch. In the Indian case, the journalist was sitting BARELY 2 metres from his target. Yet, all he could manage was a gentle, UNDERARM (yes, he actually threw the shoe underarm, if you see the footage!) throw which harmlessly floated past the target. While doing this, he mumbled “I protest.”  This is like a striker having an open goal at his mercy from 2 yards out, but he doesn’t even force the goalkeeper into a save, instead side-footing the ball gently beyond the post.

In Iraq, the journalist was immediately pounced upon by security, bundled to the ground, handcuffed and dragged away. Apparently he was even tortured while in prison. If it was the Taliban, he probably would’ve been whipped or stoned in public. If it was any other country, he would’ve at least been detained for a while. In the US he would’ve even been forced to appear on talk shows. In India, however, the journalist was ‘forgiven’ and offered cash rewards and a ticket to contest for Parliament! In fact, even while he was escorted out, security was instructed to be ‘gentle’. Talk about being hospitable and forgiving!

Apart from politics, though, there have been a lot of profound and fundamental questions that I’ve been grappling with: does God exist; what is the point of our existence; and what happens if you’re seeing a guy called Jesus. Apparently Madonna is seeing this chap called Jesus; I wonder if that would earn her some brownie points with God. You know, when she’s up there at the pearly gates and St Peter tells her that he didn’t particularly care for “Papa Don’t Preach” and asks her to give some justification as to why she should be allowed into heaven, she can always say “Look, I loved Jesus, honest! I let Jesus into my life.”

It turns out that the goalkeeper of the Spanish hockey team is also named Jesus. This raises interesting possibilities – the Bible always tells you that Jesus Saves. But in this case, that could well change to Jesus saves, but the rebound fell to an opponent striker and he scored. And what happens to his teammates, when Jesus allows an easy goal? Do they still tell him “F%#k you, Jesus!”?

Since I don’t have any more Jesus jokes, I shall now move on to the more serious topic of jobs. It’s fascinating how the profession you’re in has such a great effect on the way you speak. An MBA would try and use words like synergy and out-of-the-box thinking in most of their sentences. A hip-hop artiste would say things like “Ahm goann’ whip yo’ ass”. A politician would use the sentences “But how does this help the poor?” and “We shall stand united against the forces of communalism” in each and every argument.  A call centre employee would always tell you “We’ll look into it, Sir. It’ll take five working days to address your complaint”. A sales person would always be extra-friendly and act like your best friend and tell you things like “Between the two of us...” or “I don’t do this with any of my other customers, but because it’s you...”

But what I don’t get is why commercial pilots speak the way they do. It’s not as if they’re a VJ or a boxing match announcer or a vegetable seller that they need to speak in a particular way. Yet all commercial pilots always speak in that same tone “Uhhh...welcome to Kingfisher Airlines. Uhhh...umm...the weather today is mostly clear skies. We uhhh...ummm...shall be flying at a height of 35,000 feet above sea level. Ummm...there might be a bit of turbulence during the flight....but, ahhh...umm...my crew is there in case you require any...uhh...assistance. On behalf of my co-pilot and ummm...crew, this is ahhh...umm...your captain wishing you all a...uhhh...pleasant flight. Thank you.” Do they actually talk like that even when they’re not on the job? “Honey, I uhhh...ummm...prepared breakfast for you today. You might...ahh..umm...want to steer clear of the kitchen for a while. Also...ahh...we’re out of eggs and milk...so...umm...I ordered some from the nearby store.”

Perhaps instead of having career aptitude tests and career counselling sessions, schools should just look at the way students speak and decide what job would be right for them; this would greatly simplify matters -

Always talks about the sad and dark aspects of life? Poet (Or Economist)

Extra-friendly and talkative (and has just convinced you sell your car and invest the proceeds in the Nicaraguan bonds market)? Sales (Or Management)

Always uses ahhh, ummm...and generally pauses a lot while speaking? Commercial Pilot (Or Management)

Keeps using phrases like “I know exactly what you mean?” Psychologist (Or Management – HR)

Always pretends to understand what you’ve told them without having a clue? Customer Service (Or Management)

Never answers your question but instead gives a totally irrelevant and long answer hoping that it would deter you from asking further questions? Politician (Or Management)

Can always lie to you while giving you the impression of complete honesty? Lawyer (Or Management)

From the above list, it’s pretty clear that just about anyone can get into management, as long as you’re willing to make your negative traits a basis for a career.