The Truth About Greek Gods

For all those girls who feel that comparing a guy to a Greek god is the best way of complimenting him, the truth is that it’s only a compliment in the way that calling Paris Hilton a good actress would be – it doesn’t mean anything. It so happens that I was doing some research on Greek gods (one of those oddball things that my work requires me to do sometimes) and a lot of myths I had about Greek gods have now been well and truly shattered (although to be honest it was always called Greek Mythology).

Myth # 1

Greek gods are powerful and majestic: Throughout childhood, one is exposed to majestic, beautiful Greek gods such as Apollo, Zeus, Venus and Aphrodite. This is not true – for every majestic, all-powerful Greek god such as Zeus (god of sky and thunder) and Apollo (god of music, archery, light and truth), there are dozens of mundane, everyday gods such as Hermes (god of thieves, commerce and travellers) and Alastor (god of family feuds).

Myth #2

Greek Gods have cool names: This is also not true. The sad truth is that there are hundreds of Greek gods with appalling names that you wouldn’t even try to pronounce such as Haphaestus and Eileithyia. We only end up knowing about the cool ones because their names have been usurped by all the brands; which is why we think that Greek gods have cool names when we are informed that Nike was the Greek goddess for sportswear.

Myth #3

Not everyone can just raise their hands one fine day and declare themselves a Greek god: This is the one aspect about Greek gods that came about as the biggest surprise to me. I always thought it was a big deal to be a Greek god; that the Greek gods comprised a bunch of exceptional, all-powerful beings that were truly worth worshipping. However, a quick look at some examples of Greek gods below will show you that it really doesn’t take much to be a Greek god:

Adephagia: Goddess of gluttony

Agdistis: Hermaphroditic demon

Alastor: God/demon of family feuds

Alectrona: Goddess of the morning or waking up

Ate: Goddess of foolish acts

Momus: God of satire and criticism

Notus: God of the south wind

Hygieia: Goddess of cleanliness

Eurus: God of the east wind

Ceto: Goddess of the dangers of the ocean and of sea monsters

Zephyrus: God of the west wind

Am I the only one who finds it a little odd that there is a goddess of foolish acts and a god of satire and criticism, or that separate gods are required for the directions in which the wind blows, or that one absolutely cannot manage without a deity as specific as the goddess of the dangers of the ocean and sea monsters? I’m pretty sure the first atheist was created due to this very reason. Imagine how tough it would have been for people in the navy, pirates or general explorers and seafarers in those days, when they decided to pray, “Bless me, O Poseidon, god of the sea; Amphitrite, goddess of the sea; Doris - goddess of the sea’s bounty; Ceto, goddess of the dangers of the ocean and of sea monsters; Brizo, goddess of sailors; Aeolus, god of the winds; Boreas, god of the north wind; Eurus, god of the east wind, Glaucus, minor sea god; Proteus, another minor sea god; Zephyrus, god of the west wind, and...ummm...you know what??? Screw you guys, I’m turning atheist!!!”

It’s a bit like the way ministries are formed in India, with every politician wrangling for a ministerial berth “Oh, you want a ministerial berth too, do you? Alright then, let’s see what we can come up with...aha! How about this one? Minister for Sociocultural Upkeep of Suburban India? Or this one – Minister for Closing Down Pubs & Discos, or better still, the Minister for Paleontological Studies of Hominids?”

And these names are just the tip of the iceberg – there are other, even more unspectacular gods such as Aristaeus (a good hunter and inventor), Charon (Hades’ ferryman), Enyalius (minor god of war) and Glaucus (minor sea god). I’m sure I could just walk in to the Greek gods’ annual conference, and if any of them notices an additional person and questions me, I could just cook up something like, “Oh, me! I’m the God of ummm...curtains and upholstery fabric! You know, fourth son of Minerva from her affair with Poseidon when he washed ashore the island of Crete. Nice to meet you.” Unless I said something especially daft like “I’m the god of human resources management”, I’m pretty certain of not getting thrown out of that conference.

And how about this one, Haphaestus – this is what his description has to say: God of fire and smiths with very weak legs. He makes armours for the gods and other heroes like Achilles. Son of Hera and Zeus is his father in some accounts. Married to Aphrodite, but she does not love him because of his weak legs and, as a result, is cheating on him with Ares. He had a daughter named Pandora. In a contemporary setting, this would translate as: “Bastard chap who is a poor athlete and manufactures defence equipment for a living. Is having marital issues; speculation is rife that this is due to non-performance in the sack because his legs cannot take it. Daughter responsible for bringing a lot of evil into this world.” The last statement might make you wonder if it’s Nehru they’re talking about, but would you read this profile and say “Hey, this sounds like a really swell guy! Let’s make him a God!”?

In fact, you could even try making up your own Greek god. I’d done this once, when I was asked to submit some names of Greek gods for a certain product, and slipped in Apropos among the usual list of Apollo, Eros, Adonis and the lot. Funnily enough the name Apropos was even short listed until someone higher up decided to be doubly sure and replied to me saying, “Check authenticity of Apropos as a Greek god. If yes, what is he the god of?”

So there you have it – Greek gods really aren’t all that they’re made out to be, they can have incredibly-tough-to-pronounce names, terribly redundant job descriptions (sounds a bit like a South Indian HR professional at this point, doesn’t it?) and you can even make one up without anyone noticing. Not quite the best compliment you’d want to give someone, is it?