When we’re children, adults often fool us into doing things that are allegedly good for us and therefore we ought to do, like studying Geography. However, even as a child, I was not foolish enough to believe that karate was helpful for self-defence purposes. For some reason, though, most of the others seemed to believe this. One moment, karate was just this fighting style that you saw in obscure Chinese movies, the next moment every school and neighbourhood seemed to have karate classes for kids. One minute the neighbourhood parks were filled with kids playing cricket, the next minute the parks were filled with the same kids attending karate classes. Even in schools, instead of spending valuable time playing football or doing nothing, kids were forced into white gowns and colourful belts, made to squat in absurd positions and move their hands and feet while yelling all the time.
As a kid, it all just looked like too much effort for too little reward, but now that I think about it, the whole karate craze seems all the more ridiculous. I mean, think about it – have you EVER seen ANYBODY using karate for self-defence? The truth is that nobody uses karate, unless you’re in a Chinese movie. The way everybody seemed to be taking up karate at that stage, it seemed like there would be a new karate generation in the country. One would’ve thought that by the time we all grew up, people on the road would be engaging in karate fights whenever there was a scuffle due to a road accident.
Yet, as kids, karate was extolled to us as an excellent method for self-defence. The final outcome of a karate training course, however, was not kids who could defend themselves; rather they were kids who could put up an incredibly boring show to an equally disinterested audience consisting mostly of parents. The highlight of the show would be kids breaking wooden boards with their hands, or if they were really good, breaking bricks with their heads.
Think about it. As someone who’s pondering the merits of taking up karate, how would this sound for a conversation you have with a martial arts instructor:
You: So how exactly would this training help me?
Instructor: Well, you’d be able to break wooden boards or tiles with your own hands. Or if you’re really good, you could break bricks with your hands or even your head.
You: And that would help me because...?
Instructor: Ahhh...ummm...well, we’d also give you a succession of coloured belts to keep you motivated.
You: Really? Why didn’t you just say so earlier? Sign me up, I’m in!
Perhaps the only thing that karate is really useful for is the movies. If you ask the Chinese about kung-fu or karate, they would tell you that these are ancient Chinese martial arts techniques that require years of rigorous practice after which you can make terrible movies using only your hands and feet along with a lot of wooden furniture. For some reason most of these movies tend to have the word ‘Dragon’ as part of the name - such as Enter the Dragon, Curse of the Dragon, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, etc. This is how these movies are generally made:
- The hero goes to some martial arts training school that is located on top of a forbidden-looking mountain, far far away from civilization. The school can only be reached by foot and even reaching there generally requires a level of effort comparable to Magellan circumnavigating the Earth.
- On the first day, the hero, who is no slouch when it comes to martial arts and is pretty much the best exponent of it in his part of town, is utterly humiliated by the old master in a one-sided fight scene. The old master has a very long moustache and at some point in the past was the greatest warrior to have lived and had a ridiculous title such as The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire. The hero realises that he has a lot to learn.
- For 5-odd years, the hero undergoes a gruelling training where he is made to eat terrible food, sleep on cold stone floors and wear terrible clothes, mostly just a plain gown.
- Then one fine day the hero is suddenly attacked by 4-5 excellent fighters. A long martial-art fight sequence ensues, filled with gravity-defying stunts and a lot of wooden furniture being broken. A bit like the Matrix, the assailants keep getting knocked down and you’d think they were dead, but they bounce back and keep the fight going on for long. However, the hero has now honed his fighting skills and finally is able to vanquish his assailants.
- At this point The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire appears out of the shadows and solemnly proclaims. “You have learnt well, Master X. After years and years of training, you are now ready to go out into the world and make some of the most terrible movies in the world using only your hands, feet and immense powers of concentration.”
I think most kids realised what a monumental waste of time karate had been by the time they grew into their teens. Which is when they decided to spend their valuable time playing pool instead; another craze that totally bypassed me for some reason – but I shall leave that topic for another day...
13 comments:
The Grand Master Golden Samurai Ninja Turtle Warrior of the Great Empire....HAHAHAHA!!! Really funny way of looking at karate. But, I hope no true disciples of this martial art is reading this. People like Taniya would kill you with bare hands (thanks to the karate techniques they had learnt) for making fun of this sacred art like this.
I agree with you, however. When faced with a real situation where you have too fight, I think everyone comes down to their instinctive street-fighting ways. You can't really remember the learnt "techniques" then. And yeah, even Taniya agrees that inspite of her karate skills, I could beat the hell out of her if it comes to a street fight. So, yes, karate as a self-defence technique is not so prevalent as Karate as a thing to show-off or brag about. Good observation!!
Yes, I hope so too...ppl who are passionate abt this stuff tend to WORSHIP a chap like Bruce Lee - all this wud be sacrilege to them!
Am not entirely convinced abt u beating the hell out of Taniya, tho ;)
Utter nonsense!! Have you forgotten how I beat the hell out of YOU. That should be evidence enough of my capabilities. :)
Good Lord! What factual inaccuracies you're trying to propagate here!!! I mean, you injure yourself whenever you try to beat me, without me even retaliating!!!
Yeah..right!! In your dreams. Don't make me open my mouth in a public forum, Sarkar!!
kidooo....'suceession of belts to keep you motivated'!! haha dats funny n sooo true...
however, a few oder things kid, me myself being a yellow belt in karate, i do hav sum respect fr it....i mean, i do agree dat when faced wid real situations karate mite never help....bt den i dont really care....fr me learning karate was just plain fun thing, i mean not everything you learn has to hav practical use.....recently, i learnt dance jive, n i bet when in an actual dance party, i might just 'normally' dance n not jive, i hav already 4gotten jive!! , bt yet it was a fun experience f learning sumthing new, sumtyms just fr kicks!!karate to sum mite b a hobby , a sport.....wot do u get out f potting holes in a pool table?? just plain fun...
n regarding movies, some f them, the jackie chan ones r crappy...bt so many f dem r fascinating like killbill,n da movie we saw wid parents etc.....bt ya the starting is alwez stereotypical i agree..haha..
also, i must remind u, dat in childhood days, it was dis karate dat helped me win most f my wrestling matches wid u , n i remember each tym i won i got a free twix( which was valuable then)!!
Monsturu!! When did you become a yellow belt? I am surprised!!
Good god!!! Karate - Fun??? Yes, dancing can be fun, but Karate??? And hello! How are you a yellow belt??? Nonsense...you've NEVER used karate in your life!
oh my god!!! wot useless kid!! u dont even know i m yellow belt....well ya learning karate was nt as musch fun, bt after learning i broke lot f tubelight as part f training n dat sure gave me kicks!!all dis was in waverley!!
Subarna, the kid was actually just a white belt...she didn't wash the belt for many days so it turned yellow and she started calling herself a yellow belt! :)
if you and subarna dont mind your words...........very soon i will break yr heads instead f tubelights!!!!
My God Turu..is this really true?? How come even Argha didn't know about it? Argha--I trust you more on this. Turu is very capable of not washing her belt and then making it yellow...HAHAHAHA!!
this one took me straight back to my colony days in delhi when every evening...the colony park used to turn into a warzone with all the pultus , Shonais & gooblos yelling their lungs while doing some sort of PT in their nightsuits !!
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