Thursday, February 18, 2016

Missileaneous Excitement

For a country whose entire foreign policy can be distilled into the question “Should we launch another missile and piss everyone off?” it wasn’t surprising that North Korea recently launched another one of its missiles. As always, the reactions to it were along predicted lines, given that this has happened so many times before – South Korea was alarmed, the Western European powers condemned it, China looked the other way while the US imposed a fresh set of sanctions on North Korea. That last point made me wonder – wasn’t North Korea already isolated and reeling under the weight of international sanctions? Yet each time they launched a missile, a fresh set of sanctions were promptly announced – is there some sort of bottomless pit of sanctions that the US has in place? Or do they think up new things to sanction each time a missile is launched?

The guys at the State Department must be pretty bored trying to come up with new sanctions each time. They probably walked in to the next day’s meeting with a sense of overwhelming dread and despair.
Head of Sanctions Department (addressing the Sanctions team): You know the drill, boys – that’s the tenth time those North Koreans have fired a missile. We’ve already placed sanctions on defence equipment, uranium and radioactive elements, electronics, medical equipment, industrial goods, heavy machinery, vehicles, specialized services, general services, recreational firearms and home décor items – so think of something new.

After countless late nights spent poring over the possibilities, the end result would be a sanction on some fairly innocuous item, like citrus fruits. With all the big-ticket items already placed under sanctions, the Sanctions team plumped for citrus fruits after a vigorous and heated debate over the merits of imposing sanctions on other similarly insignificant items like lawn ornaments, embroidery kits and cushion covers.

A State Department announcement to that effect will follow:
“The United States shall not tolerate this impudent display of missile launching by North Korea. We take such matters seriously, and to show you how seriously we take it we shall impose a sanction that forbids the entry or exit of citrus fruits to North Korea. Citrus fruits are a rich source of Vitamin C and highly tasty – a state deprived of Vitamin C can only survive so long. This is just the beginning, and if the North Koreans do not dismantle their weapons program we shall extend the sanction to other fruits and maybe even vegetables, if push comes to shove.”

The North Korean state, while being disappointed at the prospect of breakfast without orange juice, would engage its propaganda machine to convince people that they never really loved citrus fruits that much in the first place anyway.
“Citrus fruits are the ultimate symbol of Western imperialist and hegemonic forces. Its zesty flavour and quenching allure mirrors the decadent and hedonistic lifestyle of Western consumerist ways. The dastardly but admittedly tasty citrus fruits are headed down the same path of destruction as the rest of Western society. The Supreme leader has always been more of a watermelon person anyway. Apples, bananas and grapes are also fruits he’s really quite fond of.”

Soon, though, the rest of the world moved on as stock markets began to crash amid fears of another recession, and North Korea was forgotten again. It wasn’t always this way for North Korea. Until the Islamic terrorists came along and truly made a nuisance of themselves, North Korea was in the spotlight with far greater regularity.

It all started in 2002, with George W Bush declaring North Korea as one of the members of the Axis of Evil, along with Iran & Libya. I know what you’re thinking “Axis of Evil! Wow, that sounds like a great name for a heavy metal band!” But unlike Iran & Libya, who weren’t exactly jumping for joy over their new moniker, North Korea seemed to revel in its bad boy status, firing off a slew of missiles, embarking enthusiastically upon uranium enrichment programs and indulging in all the clandestine and covert stuff that doesn’t go down well with the US unless it’s the CIA that does it.

The excitement peaked in 2005, with the Axis of Evil being discarded for the more colourful-sounding “Outposts of Tyranny”, comprising six countries with North Korea once again leading the way. I know – “Outposts of Tyranny” sounds like an even better name for a heavy metal band, doesn’t it? Perhaps the US State Department should consider creating names for metal bands as an alternate line of work.

Apart from North Korea, though, most of the outposts of tyranny have simply lost their tyrannical edge and can now be more accurately termed as “Outposts of Milder Levels of Oppression and Totalitarianism”. Gaddafi is not around anymore, Iran has agreed to dismantle its nuclear program, Myanmar is inching closer to democracy, Belarus no one even remembers had originally made it to the list and Obama is considering making a trip to Cuba – leaving North Korea as the one outright evil, unrepentantly tyrannical country from that original list. The time seemed ripe to truly take centre stage, as opposed to being part of an Axis or one among the Outposts.

Sadly, along came the Islamic terrorists and blew it all to bits, in more ways than one. Apart from the obligatory week in the spotlight fetched by a missile launch, it's back to the scrapheap of geopolitical obscurity for America’s favourite villainous state.

3 comments:

Magically Bored said...

Hilarious! You write so well. :)

Orgho said...

Thanks, Fishie! All thanks to your encouragement :)

tania said...

haha! This one is hilarious, very well written. Oh really,like there are still sanctions left to impose?! It almost sounds like they impose the sanctions cautiously so that they can save some for future years too:), which would be rather easy on Korea then. Alternatively , they should start more trade so that there is again more to impose on, lol!